Coming Soon Trailers: Baywatch, Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

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Coming Soon Trailers: Baywatch, Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

Life is a beach this weekend with pirates facing off against lifeguards.  What, no sharks?

Coming Soon Trailers: Baywatch, Pirates of the Caribbean 5.
Wake me up when they get around to making a gross-out comedy about Knightrider.

Pirates of the Caribbean 5?  Are we still doing these things?  Fine.  Let’s look at what silly face Johnny Depp is currently making in this franchise.  Against that cinematic treasure trove, Paramount is digging with a shovel and pail on the beach, hoping that a raunchy reboot of Baywatch will turn up a few lost coins.

On the home market, we’ve got seven new offerings, mostly documentaries of dubious value.  I guess now is as good a time as any to go out and do some yard work instead of watching a movie.

Wide Release.

Baywatch.

A veteran lifeguard and his cocky ex-celebrity trainee discover that a local woman is running a criminal empire out of her beach house next to their patrol area.  Despite being warned off by the cops and their superiors, the crew at Baywatch decide to take justice into their own hands.


See It?:  Rent it.

The Rock is likable…Zac Efron less so…but overall the cast is competent.  The humor is decidedly juvenile and raunchy, but that’s how these old-television-show-turned-movie flicks work.  Director Seth Gordon has a hit and miss track record, having helmed Horrible Bosses and Pixels.  There should be enough here to entertain, but it certainly doesn’t warrant a premium ticket price.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.

A villain from Jack Sparrow’s past comes back from the dead to stalk the natty pirate captain.

See It?:  God no.

These films were played out after the first film.  They’ve gotten more bloated and less coherent with each film, and Johnny Depp is not so much acting as just reeling around the green-screen sets.  Despite really enjoying Javier Bardem, not even he can justify a viewing of this wreck.

Video on Demand.

Unacknowledged.

A “documentary” about the “cover up” of “UFO’s.”  You know what, just put this whole thing in scare quotes.

See It?:  Nope.

This kind of seething trash isn’t even good for a laugh when it’s free (all day) from what used to be The History Channel.  Why you’d pay money for it is beyond me.

Feel Rich: Health is the New Wealth.

A documentary about the “self-love revolution.”  Basically famous rappers telling you to forget about money and just love yourself by getting fit as fuck…cause hey, it worked for them (after they became rich first, naturally.)

See It?:  Nope.

Am I going to have to bust out scare quotes for every entry today?  This documentary needs to be much, MUCH more jaundiced about its subject.  This is less a documentary trailer than a sales pitch, and we’re all supposed to come to health Jesus.  Pass.

Buster’s Mal Heart.

An eccentric drifter who is obsessed with conspiracy theories and radio call-in shows lives life on the run, breaking into empty vacation homes.  As his mania increases and the police close in, we get a glimpse into who he was before his mental breakdown.

See It?: Yes.

Good premise, strong central performance, an unsettling editorial aesthetic:  this film is checking off all the boxes.

Bad Rap.

A documentary about four Asian-American rappers trying to make a name for themselves in the entertainment biz.

See It?:  Netflix.

At least this documentary doesn’t need me to put all of its claims in quotes.  That being said, it’s another doc about a niche entertainment subculture that is probably of limited interest to the general audience.

Raw.

A vegetarian student is forced to break her vow during a hazing ritual…at her veterinary school (?)  As she becomes addicted to red meat, she become increasingly willing to get it from any source.

See It?: Yes.

The description of this movie is much sillier than the final product, which is pretty horrifying.  It tackles lots of issues such as body image, self-identity, and sexual awakening.  Good horror usually has subtext, and this movie has a ton of it.  Some of the shots could use polish, but it has its own visual style.  Give it a go.

Black Butterfly.

A struggling writer has a strange confrontation with a young drifter, and invites him into his isolated cabin.  As they get to know each other, and the writer discovers his house guest may have a connection to the many strange and violent events that have been plaguing the town.

See It?:  Wait for it to be free.

A fairly cliched premise, but one that hasn’t been done in a few years.  Unfortunately, there’s no tension in this thriller since the trailer gets rid of any ambiguity.  The writer is the good guy.  The drifter is the bad guy.  He did all those crimes.  There’s no mystery.  I like Antonio Banderas, and he looks good here, but this film should have put a muzzle on its trailer.

Wakefield.

A seemingly successful businessman has the sudden inspiration to “disappear” by secretly living in an abandoned attic near his house.  As he watches the toll his departure takes on his wife and family, his derangement grows.

See It?:  Rent it.

Bryan Cranston has yet to convince me that he’s as amazing as his reputation.  It seems sometimes that he’s playing a guy who is a visionary performer instead of actually being a visionary performer.  So too here, where an odd story with a lot of voltage feels like it is talking too much.  It’s still interesting, but I feel like we’re going to listen to a good story instead of see one.

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