Coming Soon Trailers: Geostorm, Boo! 2 Madea Halloween.

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Coming Soon Trailers: Geostorm, Boo! 2 Madea Halloween.

Madea is back for another Halloween adventure, Michael Fassbender fights a snowman, and Gerard Butler fights the elements on a busy October weekend.

Coming Soon Trailers:  Geostorm, Boo! 2 Madea Halloween.
Run! The crappy pre-Halloween movies are coming! Save yourself!

We’ve had some pretty high quality films to pick from so far this month…now it’s time for quantity!  Get your trash bags out, because this week is filled with unabashed schlock.  The big headliner is Geostorm, a natural disaster flick about Gerard Butler going to space to fight the weather.  If that sounds too plausible for you, we’ve got Michael Fassbender daring us not to watch a “thriller” about a serial killer who turns his victims into snowmen.  And finally, in case you’ve managed to skillfully avoid trashy comedies featuring a black comedian in a fat-suit for the last two decades, Tyler Perry is back one more time in Boo! 2: A Madea Halloween.

On the home market, we’ve got five new offerings.  While there is the obligatory horror flick, there is also a selection of thrillers and even a rom-com looking for your rental dollars.  Let’s check them out.*

*Hi, me again.  After watching these trailers, I got a little salty.  I know it’s a week from Halloween, but I did not expect so much lazy crap.  Sorry that I got a little heated, you’ve been warned.*

Wide Release.

Geostorm.

Faced with climate upheaval, the world creates an array of satellites capable of controlling the weather.  A series of accidents rock the globe as it looks like the system is either malfunctioning, or being deliberately used as a weapon.  It’s up to a group of scientists in space and their crew on the ground to work together to prevent a world-wide weather apocalypse.

See It?:  Maybe.

Do you like big, dumb, silly action movies?  Geostorm looks to be made in the mold of early Michael Bay films, with plenty of spectacle, destruction, and American Exceptionalism to go around.  If you liked Armageddon or The Day After Tomorrow, you’ll probably like this.

Only the Brave.

Based on real life fire-fighters, The Granite Mountain Hotshots, this dramatic adaptation follows a group of heroes who brave wildfires.

See It?:  Rent it.

While it may be topical, I can’t say this film really does much for me.  If Geostorm is a Michael Bay disaster film, this is a Wolfgang Petersen disaster film.  More concerned with personal stories and human drama than explosions, it really relies on how deeply it can sink an emotional hook into you.  The trailer seems just fine, not bad but not “must see”, so it fails clear that bar.

Same Kind of Different as Me.

A couple facing the end of their marriage decide to put their personal animosity aside in order to reach out to a homeless man in their community.  His different perspective on life helps them to start caring less about being right and more about doing right.

See It?:  Skip it.

I want to be on board with this.  It’s a solid moral about helping others, despite being couched in a “rich white people take in a poor black man as a fixer-upper” premise.  That’s pretty much the problem.  The movie wants to do good, but can’t stop tripping over its own perspective of white entitlement and privilege.  If you want to feel some salvation in your life, how about you take your ten bucks and two hours and go serve dinner at a shelter instead?

The Snowman.

A detective at the end of his rope becomes embroiled in a game of cat and mouse with a serial killer who puts parts of his victims into snowmen.

See It?:  Seriously?  Nope.

This is the dumbest idea for a serial killer flick I’ve seen in a while, and it’s being played completely straight.  I don’t give a rat’s ass that it’s based on a best-selling book; that just means a lot of dumb people bought a dumb-ass book.  Michael Fassbender looks like he’s phoning in yet another conflicted white savior role in this lazy thriller.  Get out of here with that crap.

Tyler Perry’s Boo! 2:  A Madea Halloween.

Madea must save Halloween again when her niece decides to go to a haunted campground that was the location of several recent murders.

See It?:  Nope.

I remember when at least Tyler Perry movies had their own personality.  Love it or hate it, Madea was her own lady and the humor and sensibilities were very much organic to the piece.  This shit looks like Scary Movie, Tyler Perry Edition.  Lazy call-outs to recent horror flicks, most of them not even good enough to be called modern classics.  Oh really Madea, a The Ring call-back?  You realize that franchise bombed earlier this year after being dormant for a decade, right?  Way to strike while the humor is ice-cold.

Video on Demand.

Dead Body.

Teens head to a cabin in the woods to celebrate their graduation, play a party game that nobody anywhere ever has heard of, and have to make it through the weekend when the dunder-headed game becomes a real, but still stupid, game of survival.

See It?: Nope.

Screenwriters, can I have a moment?  You know that these “last party of adolescence” horror flicks are done to death, right?  This shit was old before Jason Vorhees put on his hockey mask.  It’s so old, you can’t even spoof it anymore for a laugh (got that, Tyler Perry?)  Knock it off.  Go out and write a real script instead of turning in this lukewarm pile of dog crap.  Thanks.  Bye.

The Evil that Men Do.

Two men who work for a vicious drug cartel run into trouble when they’re asked to torture and mutilate the very young daughter of a rival gang.

See It?:  Yes?  Yes! Hallelujah, a movie worth seeing!

While this film is unpolished, that works in its favor.  The characters, the situation, and the cinematography all feel appropriately raw.  I think this movie will make lots of people queasy, but that’s the point.

Sex, Guaranteed.

A man who lost his faince because of his horn-dog ways decides to become celibate to get her back.  His friends don’t like that idea one bit and hire a sex worker to change his mind.

See It?:…and right back to the Nope’s again.

Tired bro rom-com cliches coupled with Stephen Dorff overacting, per usual.  The amount of absurdity in the story almost rises to the level of a fun farce, but the trailer just can’t seem to tell a joke.  It’s either all set-up with no punchline or all punchline with no set-up.  Makes me dubious about a comedy if they can’t get a laugh in the highly sculpted trailer.

Leatherface.

The genesis story of the young man who would go on to become Leatherface, the iconic killer from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series.

See It?:  Nope, because you’ve already seen it a dozen times.

Boy, I remember not liking this movie when it was about Michael Myers and called Halloween.  No, not the original good one by John Carpenter.  The pedestrian remake by Rob Zombie that was mostly origin story.  Scraping up the last cliches in the horror barrel, we find that Leatherface was both part of an inbred cannibal clan AND tortured by the state of Texas in a psychiatric hospital.  Thank goodness they didn’t leave any origin story tropes left undone!  Well, I guess technically he could have been a child molester burned in a fire while being drowned in a summer camp lake…fuck it, this movie is a pointless prequel to a franchise that needs to be put down, and I’m done talking about it.

Jungle.

A disillusioned young man heads into the rain forest to find himself, led on by the promises of enlightenment of a dodgy tour guide.  Once away from humanity, his guide flakes out and leaves our hero and his friends alone to die in the wilderness.

See It?:  Yes.  Thank god we can end on a high note.

I’m really enjoying Daniel Radcliffe’s post Harry Potter career.  Swiss Army Man was my surprise favorite of the year last year, and I think he’s done some respectable work in the horror genre.  This survival thriller has enough meat on the bone that I can overlook a common premise, and I really like the entire cast.  This is a genre that doesn’t usually get much love, so I’m hoping Jungle makes the grade.

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