Coming Soon Trailers: The Last Witch Hunter, Rock the Kasbah, Bone Tomahawk

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Coming Soon Trailers

Cloning yourself is always a great career move, right Mr. Keaton?
Cloning yourself is always a great career move, right Mr. Keaton?

Dear God!  Will October ever cease?  Yet again, we have a ton of new release trailers, and even more interesting looking VOD videos.  How the hell am I supposed to see all of these films?  Clone myself?

OK, just got off the phone with my agent, and apparently a film adaptation about a amateur movie critic who clones himself in order to watch every movie released, UNTIL SOMETHING GOES DREADFULLY WRONG!! just isn’t going to sell.  So I’m stuck trying to just watch whatever I can.  Sorry folks.

New Wide Release

The Last Witch Hunter

An ancient warrior (Vin Diesel,) cursed with immortality, has spent his long life fighting and destroying witches, an evil race of creatures that hope to plunge the world into eternal darkness.  The last of his kind, this warrior must pair up with a venerable priest (Michael Caine) and a young apprentice (Elijah Wood) to save the world when an old evil resurfaces in the modern world.

When to See It:  Theaters.  Get the popcorn ready, because this looks like big dumb fun.  Not sure how they convinced Michael Caine to slum it up for this film, but I’m on board for what looks like some juicy hack-and-slash entertainment.

Jem and the Holograms

A young dreamer and her sisters find viral fame with their music.  Trying to live the dream in the music industry threatens to tear their bonds apart, unless they can remain true to each other.

When to See It:  Never.  Go rewatch episodes of the cartoon instead.  That was at least truly truly outrageous.  Not sure who the target audience is since those old enough to remember the original are unlikely to be thrilled by the tween-focussed story change, and tween themselves have no investment in the property beyond “hey look, another movie about making your dreams come true through music.”  Yawn.

Paranormal Activity:  The Ghost Dimension

A family moves into a new home and discovers a camera obscurra which allows them to see and film the spirits that haunt their residence.

When to See It:  Rent it.  While the story follows a new family, this is the same old Paranormal Activity.  While I have to give them some credit for finding a new way to wedge the stale shaky-cam/found footage angle into the story, it’s still more of what you already expect from this franchise.  Doing the expected is not exactly a great strategy for creating scares.  For fans of the series only.

Rock the Kasbah

A washed up music manager (Bill Murray) is abandoned in Afghanistan after an ill advised USO tour.  Trying to make his way out of the country, he happens upon a young woman with true talent, and decides to help her compete on Afghan Star, a nationally televised talent show, as a last ditch chance to save his career.

When to See It:  Rent it.  I love me some Bill Murray…but I also hate me some Zooey Deschanel.  I’m sure this is going to be hilarious, but I just can’t see spending ten bucks to see comedies at the theater.  If you like listening to other people laugh over the dialogue, feel free to pony up for this ride.

VOD

Bone Tomahawk

A band of cannibals attack an outpost town and take a woman prisoner, forcing an aging law-man to form a posse to pursue them.  It seems that every member of their posse has ulterior motives, though, and the greatest danger may come from within the group.  Although the cannibals look pretty damn dangerous, too.

When to See It:  VOD.  Can we take a second to analyze why some genres get completely screwed at the box office?  A big sprawling western seems right at home on the big screen, where you can really enjoy the scenery for all its glory.  Instead, westerns languish on Video on Demand while genres like horror and comedy, which are best watched in the living room, keep getting wide releases.  This world makes no damn sense.  Oh, yeah, get this movie, if only for one last chance to see Kurt Russell in a cowboy flick.

Tokyo Tribes

The gangs of Tokyo have a delicate balance of power that prevents all out warfare…until an unstable and power hungry villain brutally murders the respected leader of another gang and causes all out warfare.  Maybe should have put that “no all out warfare” thing in writing?

When to See It:  Hulu.  Gonzo Japanese films seem to thrive on Hulu, so why deplete your rainy day fund by catching this one early?  As a musical gang-fighting kung fu flick based on a manga, you already know in your heart if this one is right for you.  Can’t get much more niche than that.

More VOD

All Work All Play

A Wonderful Cloud

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