Double Dare Review: Rubber

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Double Dare Review:  Rubber

Get it, TIRED?  This guy is a genius...
Get it, TIRED? This guy is a genius…

So, the gauntlet was thrown down.  Erik completed a punishing viewing of M. Knight Shyamalan’s box office disaster, The Last Airbender, and directed my attention to an indie lump of coal known as Rubber.  Well, I’m ashamed to admit that I watched it, and it was terrible.  I was dragging my heels on viewing it, not because I thought it would suck…I KNEW it would be awful.  I was really chafing at the 2.99 asking price on Amazon Prime.  Well, lo and behold, Amazon dropped the price to free for prime members this week, and I took the bait.  Having completed a viewing of it (which took two days, for safety and running out of beer reasons) I have to say that for the low low price of 00.00$, I have been swindled.  Writer and Director Quentin Dupieux owes me 2.99 for having seen this film,  and I will accept all major credit cards or even a personal check, since I know he must be hard up for cash after having made this monstrosity.

Rubber (2010)

rubber movieRubber is a meta-film.  A film within a film.  A shitty film within a horrible film.  In Rubber, a gaggle of viewers are herded out into the dessert to watch a live action film unfold before their eyes, or binoculars as the case may be.  The film involves the animation of a derelict tire, which rises from it’s sandy grave and, armed with the power of psychokinesis, runs amok while chasing after a beautiful girl (Roxane Mesquida.)  The police give a half-hearted attempt at capturing the tire, because their lieutenant is in on the deal, and knows that as soon as people stop watching, he can stop pretending to be a police officer and go home.  Unfortunately, one die-hard viewer escapes all of the film maker’s attempts at dispersing the audience (subjecting them to cold and heat, starving them, feeding them poisoned food, and actually making them watch this film.)  With one last viewer alive, the police are forced to actually try to apprehend the tire, which racks up a fairly respectable body count.

Riveting.
Riveting.

Wings Hauser…WINGS HAUSER!!!

How the mighty awful have fallen!
How the mighty awful have fallen!

This movie stars Wings Hauser as the last living audience member.  Wings Hauser, my old foe, I never expected to see you again!  Your pant’s crappingly bad turn as the arch villain in Beast Master II certainly helped to destroy that beloved series.  Rewatching your infamy for my Beast Master retrospective nearly killed me as well!  But I survived…I clung to life by using every snarky trick of movie analysis that I knew.  I grew powerful, and watched many more awful Sword and Sorcery films.  I feared that one day you would return, and I would be ready to meet you.  Oh yes!  I waited…ready for the day you would wield a silly plastic sword and make your next attempt on my sanity.  Never, in all that time, would I have imagined that you would return thus.  I watched, waiting for you to chew the scenery and hijack this film.  But…but…you put in a decent performance.  You said your lines with appropriate emotion, despite the horrible bind of stupidity that this film had placed you in.  I hoped you would survive to challenge me again.  When the director blew you up (fuck spoilers, you’re never going to see this turd!) I was aghast.  You didn’t deserve to die this way.  My vengeance had been stolen from me.  So now, Quentin Dupieux, the blood debt falls to you…

Idiot or Troll?

Here, let me rant for a few minutes about how I missed the point of many many movies, and decided to make a terrible "artistic" films to illustrate that point.
Here, let me rant for a few minutes about how I missed the point of many many movies, and decided to make a terrible “artistic” film to illustrate that point.

The only question worth asking about this film is if it is the work of an idiot who doesn’t understand films, or a troll who does, and is just trying to make you angry.  The opening sequence introduces the fake lieutenant, who goes out of his way to explain that most movies involve nonsense and that this movie will feature it.  His litany of cinema sins is largely incoherent.  He sites aspects of movies that are either random only in a cosmic sense (one character falls in love with another,) or that are actually meaningful but he claims are not so (JFK being killed in Oliver Stone’s JFK is not random…it is called an inciting incident…so not nonsensical in the least, you buffoon.)  So right off the bat you have to decide if the director is a fool who doesn’t get film making (leaning heavily in this direction,) or is trying to prank you by making a nonsense movie and trying to equate it with other, much better movies.  It’s like the internet commenters who call everyone Hitler.  Do they not know who Hitler was? or are they being intentionally obtuse to make you kill your own brain cells in a rage aneurysm?  Either way, they are a waste of your time, and so is this movie.

The Final Reckoning

Burn it, burn it with...you get the idea.
Burn it, burn it with…you get the idea.

I imaging the director would read this review, shake his head, and say “man, this guy just doesn’t get satire!”  Which is the time worn dodge of everyone who ever told an unfunny joke.  OK, I’ll be generous.  You made this movie as a satirical jab at the film watching/interpreting cottage industry, hoping to trip up “squares” by making an intentionally idiotic film, by carefully prefacing the whole sordid ideal by loudly saying it would be obtuse and snarky.  Congratulations, you made an awful film with the intent of being a wanker, solely for the intent of tripping up people of normal intelligence that hoped your film would be watchable!   Laugh yourself all the way to the bank…oh wait, you only made 100k in sales on this movie.    I’ve endured a legion of pretentious assholes like this in creative writing seminars, haughtily declaring that nobody else gets the completely ground breaking meta-analysis and A+ level intellect the author is bringing to the subject.  When everyone misses the joke, it doesn’t mean you’re ahead of your audience…just a poor comedian.

And this is how the real theaters looked, too.  Zing!
And this is how the real theaters looked, too. Zing!

 

 

 

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