Little Box of Horrors: Kindergarten Cop 2.

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Little Box of Horrors:  Kindergarten Cop 2.

We return to our regular format of cruisin’ around Maine looking for RedBox movies that are so bad they are good.

We are promptly punished for this.

It’s almost time for school vacation, so I decided to rent some school-related fare. Parents willingly choose to suffer dragging their little puke machines around Disneyland, so it’s only natural that my suffering be self inflicted as well. My destination: the Hannaford Supermarket (it’s not that super) in Gray, Maine. Alright class, raise your hands and say “Present” when I call your name:

  1. No Manches Frida (2016): An ex-con realizes upon release that his buried loot has had a high school built on top of it and must go undercover as a teacher to get it back. Buried loot? What is he, a fucking pirate?
  2. Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life (2016): Rafe is a young man with an overactive imagination. It often gets him into trouble with bullies and the hard-ass Principal Dwight. Can he complete his mission of breaking every rule in the school’s books? The answer to this question might be the least cared about answer ever.
  3. Kindergarten Cop 2 (2016): Because everyone in 2016 needed to suffer more than they already did, Dolph Lundgren decided to star in a sequel to the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy about a cop going undercover as a kindergarten teacher.

Alright, which one of these bad apples is going to have to see me in detention?

Little Box of Horrors: Kindergarten Cop 2.
You’ve all been very bad.

Our Winner:

Kindergarten Cop 2!

Middle School: TWYoML is actually critically well regarded, so that gets a gold star and can go home early. No Manches Frida is subtitled and I was afraid that localization would rob any potential comedy out of its viewing, so it gets a hall pass. That leaves us with Mr. Lundgren and his motley band of precocious toddlers. Sigh…

Little Box of Horrors: Kindergarten Cop 2.
The first day of a school movie is always the toughest.

Kindergarten Cop 2 (2016)

Little Box of Horrors: Kindergarten Cop 2.
Oh. Crap.

Dolph Lundgren is Detective Reed, a former military bad-ass who now keeps the oh so dangerous streets of Seattle Washington safe from Starbucks related crime. We can tell he’s a bad-ass because he lives on a houseboat, practices some of the shittiest Tai Chi I’ve ever seen (seriously, maybe our Spear Brothers from the last LBoH could help straighten up his form), and eats steaks so rare that even Pittsburgh would call the health department on him.

His current assignment is to recover a flash drive that contains sensitive data that an indicted gangster needs to beat his rap. The only problem: the hacker who stole the data is dead, and hid the drive somewhere at his workplace, an ultra-liberal kindergarten. Stale “uber-conservative surrounded by super special snowflakes” jokes ensue.

Who is your Dad Joke, and What Does He Do?

Little Box of Horrors: Kindergarten Cop 2.
I’m working too damn hard to make this turd watchable!

This movie has no right existing. OK, one: Reed’s partner Agent Sanders is played by Bill Bellamy (of Rock n’ Jock MTV sports fame), and he puts in a good performance as the wise father of four kids who coaches our gruff loner on the ways of handling children. Other than that, the acting sucks. Dolph doesn’t have any of the chemistry Arnold, the father of “Dad Jokes,” had. Everyone else is tired cliches, from the incredibly crunchy Principal to the “I secretly hate my job” fellow teacher/love interest. The therapy pig has more screen presence than these C-listers.

Are These Your Jokes?  You Mean You Take Other People’s Jokes!?  STOP IT!!!

Little Box of Horrors: Kindergarten Cop 2.
The jokes, unfortunately, write themselves.

The jokes that aren’t political digs at liberals are just the same old crap that they did better in the first movie. The movie is adapted from a treatment written by Timothy Harris, who wrote the first movie, as well as hits like Twins and Trading Places. So it’s kind of mind boggling how tired all the humor is. Of course a kid is going to pee on him. Of course he’s going to try boot camping these kids to horrible effect. They even retread the “Boys have a Penis, Girls have a Vagina” joke from the first one. None of the jokes stick though, because Dolph Lundgren is a black hole of charisma, and his deadpan reactions and humorless retorts kill everything.

Speaking of killing…

You’re a Cop, You Idiot!

Little Box of Horrors: Kindergarten Cop 2.
It’s “bearly” watchable.
See, two can play at this game.

The action is mostly crap. Dolph Lundgren is old. Expendable-y old. His kung fu is weak. He kicks someone with a side-kick so telegraphed that I think it started back in Kindergarten Cop 1. As such, the gun play is the only thing that isn’t laughably bad, and this is no Gun Kata. The only joke/action sequence that was any good was a bit where Reed gets a candy bar stuck in the vending machine at the precinct, and later when the gangster’s goons assault the precinct looking for the data, Reed and Sanders use said vending machine to kill a dude, thereby releasing the candy bar. So technically a vending machine is a better killer than Dolph in this flick.

It’s Not a Humor!

Little Box of Horrors: Kindergarten Cop 2.
Kill it. Kill it with fire.

I can’t find any reason to recommend this dreck. I almost feel like I have an actionable lawsuit for false advertising when I noticed this movie was in RedBox’s “Best of 2016” website promotion. Hopefully Dolph Lundgren does to this “franchise” what he did to poor Apollo Creed: kill it dead. Me, I’m just gonna take a few aspirin and recover for our next attempt at finding a diamond in the rough. Why aspirin? Because this movie gave me a headache. And no, it’s not a tumor!

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