Our Ten’s List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.

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Our Ten’s List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.

You knew it was coming.  Here are ten movies we can’t wait to not see this year.

Now that we’ve picked our best and worst films of 2016, time to look forward.  The new year promises so many wonderful new films to see.  I’m happy to say that our list of most anticipated movies is so full to bursting that I had to invent a few new categories.  That being said…you have to eat your vegetables before you get your steak.  Every year has its collection of movies that you can smell coming a mile a way.  It may be yet another iteration for a franchise you thought had died a decade ago, or the latest cash-in for a genre Hollywood has decided to strip mine, or it may just be a film that’s sheer insanity puts your wind up.  Here, in order from least offending to most ludicrous, are our picks for movies in 2017 to avoid.

*Bonus:  The Perpetually Not Interested List*

Underworld Series (January)

Our Ten's List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.
I swear they don’t even change the posters any more.

This franchise gets 2017 started off on a bad foot.  While the majority of people will be watching all of the potential Oscar favorites expanding to their local theater (or seeing Rogue One for the tenth time) there will undoubtedly be some who want to see Kate Beckinsale moodily point her laughably large pistols at more computer generated monsters.

Underworld is a crap vampire franchise.  The power-sets of the vampires and werewolves are so bland and boring, it basically is a live action version of Cats and Dogs.  The films perpetually squander the talent that decides to slum its way through each entry (not Beckinsale, she’s a glorified runway model who can’t act.)  If you want trashy monster movies with ludicrous action and CG, go watch the next Resident Evil movie instead.

-Pirates of the Caribbean Series  (May)

This is still a thing?  Didn’t they wrap up the only comprehensible plot points a couple of movies ago?  Now we just get to see Johnny Depp flounce around as his foppish Captain Jack Sparrow for yet another 3 hours.  This series was a joke even when it was laughably bad fun.  Get a bottle of rum and go watch Cutthroat Island instead.

Transformers series  (June)

Our Ten's List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.
Great. The fucked up dinosaurs, now they get to fuck up King Arthur. Progress?

Never.  See.  These.  Movies.

At least the latest offering has time travel.  And King Arthur.  And more of Mark Wahlberg’s awful accent…

Never. See.  These.  Movies.

Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.

10.  Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets  (July)

Valerian and Laureline are galactic agents who look out for mankind’s interests in a society filled with thousands of alien cultures.  On the mega structure of Alpha, most of these races live together for the betterment of all, but a new power is rising that wishes to harness Alpha’s resources and cut humanity out of the picture.

Meesa thinksa weesa in big doodoo.

So…they’re remaking The Phantom Menace?  I’ve seen some people breathlessly comparing this project to Star Wars.  Well, it does seem to be stealing imagery and themes from that franchise alright, unfortunately it seems to be cribbing from the prequels.  Annoying emo teen hero?  Check.  Flabby and fake looking CG aliens?  Check.  Giant sea monsters chasing our heroes’ ship?  Crap, check.  Did Jar Jar Binks greenlight this wreck?

Luc Besson has done amazing things with sci-fi in the past, but his glory days seem firmly behind him.  His one reliable trick was fantastic action sequences, but the action here looks boring and fake.  Maybe he’ll make something of this, but right now this feels like Jupiter Ascending all over again.

9.  Amityville:  The Awakening (June)/  Friday the 13th  (October)

Our Ten's List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.
Oh good, you again.

Two new iterations for horror franchises that need to spend more time in the grave.  Amityville has been postponed and reworked since 2015, meaning this project is already raising red flags, sight unseen.  Friday the 13th has likewise had a troubled history, and this film is another attempt to reboot the franchise, this time via a retelling/prequel take on the events of the original film.  While I’m mildly interested in seeing how Jason became a ten foot tall murder wizard, I can’t say I really need a whole film for that purpose.

8.  The Boss Baby  (March)

A seven year old boy tells the story of how his corporate ready baby brother displaced him from the love of his parents, and how a greedy corporation tried to use his little brother to ruin the world.  Features voice talent from Alec Baldwin, Toby McGuire and Steve Buscemi.

Our Ten's List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.
No! Bad baby (movie)!

Where to begin.  The story premise (which I tried to make sense of above) sounds absurd.  It’s pure gobbeldygook.  There is not a lot of charm to the trailer, and the characters are all pretty flat.  I was hoping this would at least be another opportunity for Baldwin to play up his Trump persona, but he’s just a generic corporate suit and diaper here.  Dreamworks seems to be losing a step when it comes to the increasingly competitive computer animated genre.

7.  World War Z 2  (June)

Our Ten's List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.
Remember this turd?

Who asked for this?  Did YOU ask for this?  Did Erik ask for this?  I read his review of the original, and I’m sure we didn’t ask for this.

There’s no information about this film other than Max Brooks is in some way involved with the writing (being based on his hit book,) Brad Pitt is starring, and David Fincher is possibly directing.  That is a whole lot of nothing with six months to go.  I would not be surprised if this project winds up getting pushed back.  All we have to go on is the first movie, which was awful and did very little with the excellent premise from Max Brooks’ novel.  I don’t expect much more from this hasty sequel.

6.  The Great Wall  (February)

The great pandering to China has begun!  Matt Damon plays a white guy inexplicably in a fantasy version of China where the Great Wall has been constructed to keep monsters and dragons out of The Middle Kingdom.

Who wants to bet the white guy saves the day?

This film could be a cheesy action fest, but I’m already not in love with the visuals.  The dragons feel janky and the action sequences don’t look up to snuff.  I’m also not loving Matt Damon’s makeup.  He feels shoehorned into this project in order to have some cross culture appeal to western audiences.  It is also the brain child of Max Brooks, so he’s got two stinkers on this list.  If you want to dive into the wikipedia article on this film, you’ll see that the silliness of the trailer is just the tip of the spear.  I’m sure it is going to make bank due to China’s growing appetite for movies, but I’m not holding out much hope for a decent film.

5.  Beauty and the Beast  (March)

Our Ten's List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.
Get it? It’s a line from the cartoon song everyone loved. Get it!?

A live action adaptation of Disney’s beloved animated fable about a girl who redeems the humanity in a selfish prince who was cursed to become a beast until he learned the value of love.

By “adaptation,” Disney seems to mean “shot-for-shot remake” of the cartoon.  There is nothing in this trailer that is the least bit novel.  The same scenes, the same characters, and the same music.  Why does this need to exist?  Could enough people not afford tickets to the Broadway show?  Is this the fate of every cartoon from my childhood?  Looking at Disney’s roster for the next few years, the answer is yes.

4.  The Lego Ninjago Movie  (September)

Our Ten's List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.
This franchise can fuck right off.

I thought The Lego Movie was overblown and shallow, a safe and lifeless Robot-Chicken nostalgia grab with forgettable characters and only one decent song in the whole movie.  I thought making a Lego Batman was equally misguided, as he was the worst character in The Lego Movie (unless you count all of the other throw away cameos like the Ninja Turtles or Gandalf.)  But the sheer hubris it takes to make a Ninjago movie…

For those not in the know, Ninjago is a merchandizing scheme children’s show featuring a line of Lego toys.  It’s not good.  It certainly doesn’t have the cultural cachet that The Lego Movie used to skate by critical expectations.  This looks like this year’s Max Steel, a movie nobody asked for based on toys that nobody plays with.

3.  A Dog’s Purpose  (January)

This movie.  This sentimental, asinine, inspirational poster of a movie.  I want to throw up in my mouth just watching the trailer.

A dog experiences many lives and many owners on his road to teaching enlightenment to his original owner.

Ugh.  I just can’t even.  It is such an emotional plea disguised as story telling.  I want to roll up a newspaper and swat everyone involved in this crappy film.  I can’t believe there are two movies on this list that I loathe more.  I must have been a bad dog in another life.

2.  The Justice League  (November)

Our Ten's List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.
-I get to be the brooding one.
-No, I get to be!
-No, me!
-I thought I was the brooding one…

Are you ready for Zach Snyder to assassinate the beloved characters from DC comics once again?  We’ve watched him turn Super Man into an unbearable prick.  We’ve watched him flail his way towards making Batman uninteresting and making Wonder Woman a sexpot afterthought.  Now he gets to ruin Aquaman, The Flash and Cyborg (well, I sincerely doubt anyone had any real going concern for Cyborg, although he was pretty awesome in Teen Titans.)

I am excited that Ciarin Hinds gets a go as the big bad in this outing, but I just don’t give a tin penny fart about anything else here.  I may have enough goodwill towards DC to see Wonder Woman, but I really can’t generate any interest any further to explore the drab, dirty and depressing world Warner Brothers is turning The Justice League into.

1.  The Emoji Movie  (August)

What.  The.  Fuck.

A triumph of marketing over common sense or any sense of decency in film making.  Could there possibly be any flimsier pretext to base a movie on?  And that trailer!

What a fantastic idea, having the MEH emoji announcing the movie.  Much like actual emojis, I can let it do the heavy lifting of expressing my feelings towards this product.  And hey, they even had the SHIT emoji on hand, so my second opinion was already lined up and ready to go!

Our Ten's List: Least Anticipated Movies of 2017.
Is admitting the movie is shit up front supposed to be meta?

The story has an emoji who lacks a defining trait searching for the emotion that will define him as he travels through all of the apps inside the phone that is his world.  So, The Lego Movie with less charm.  And a ton of product placements.  I hope they shot this movie on the cheap, because I wouldn’t waste .99 cents on this crap.  Maybe they’ll embrace the whole phone app thing and make the movie free…but charge you a microtransaction to skip forward to the jokes.  If they want to make money, they should only charge you a fee when you try to leave this movie.  Cause you will.

 

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