Coming Soon Trailers
Time once again to explore what your cinematic options are for this weekend. We’ve got a video game franchise reboot, another attempt at creating a spy film to distract you from the upcoming James Bond film, a daredevil documentary, and a spate of horror films that are prepping their houses way too early for Halloween.
What if Jason Bourne was a loser? That is the question American Ultra is stoned enough to answer. After a convenience store robbery turns violent, a small town pot-head with aspirations of drawing comic books (Jessie Eisenberg) learns that he is actually a sleeper agent trained in lethal techniques by the CIA. His secret training woken too soon, he has to go on the run with is equally high girlfriend (Kristen Stewart) in order to avoid an alphabet soup of government agencies looking to capture or kill him.
When To See It: Never. Audiences have just proven they don’t even buy Superman as a viable spy alternative to James Bond, so I doubt we’re going to go see Lex Luthor toke up and give it a shot.
Hitman: Agent 47
A project to create the perfect killer results in Agent 47, a hitman with super-human speed, power, and intelligence. When a corporation steals this research with the intent of creating a global army of killing machines, the last two subjects of the program must wage a bloody war to stop them, and to discover the secrets behind their own creation.
When To See It: Theaters…bargain matinee. The summer season is almost over, and this looks to be the last big dumb action film for a while. The trailer gives me Terminator 2 vibes, so here’s hoping that this film manages to avoid the fate of its terrible predecessor.
The ancient Babylonian death god Bughuul is back, and he’s using every horror movie cliche in the book to get his vengeance. Isolated farm house infested with evil? Check. Female protagonist trying to protect her children? Check. Creepy children as the vessels of evil (bonus points for using twins!)? Double Check. Random corn field for guaranteed jump scares? Yup. Hey, I know, lets add some found footage! Covered in spades.
When To See It: Rent it. I was wondering why all the horror movies are coming out way in advance of Halloween, and then I did some cocktail-napkin calculations, and yes, this film will be in your local Redbox right around October. Spooky coincidence!
This film explores Evel Knievel, the motorbike madman who spent his daredevil career breaking bones, breaking records, and breaking laws. While celebrating his accomplishments and his importance to the extreme sports community, the film also looks at his personal life, his many demons, and his defiance of authority that led him into numerous scrapes with the law.
When To See It: VOD. Normally seven dollars would seem a bit steep, but with VOD suddenly deciding to charge fifteen dollars for new releases, its a relative steal for what looks like a polished and entertaining flick.
The Curse of Downers Grove
In the small town of Downers Grove, the local high school has a strong yearly tradition of tragedy. Every year, a graduating senior winds up dead, usually in a horrific manner. With only a week left till graduation, the town is on edge, and the student body is beginning to tear itself to pieces.
When To See It: Netflix, in protest. This would by my pick for a great VOD watch this weekend. It looks fun and scary, and smartly uses the horror genre as an excuse to explore small town failings such as over-hyping graduation to teens, social anxiety over school, internet rumor mongering, and even rape culture. The price is 13$ on VOD, and I’m just going to say bullshit! We’ve be playing along this summer, watching VOD jump from 3 to 5 to 7 dollars, and now we’re getting whacked by consistently high prices for unknown movies. Fuck that. VOD is the only venue for many of these films. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you with insane “same price as owning it, but just a rental” practices.
Two friends lament their social anxiety. The awkward pair decide to repeat the formula of every John Hughes teen comedy ever by ditching their respectable lives and pretending to enjoy violence, alcohol and mindless sex, all in order to experience…violence, alcohol and mindless sex. Geek culture is eating itself alive, apparently.
When To See It: Never. And never see a movie like it, either. Another contender for “First World Problems, the Movie” and another film that takes two attractive upper-middle class white people and tells us to feel sorry for them, and to give two shiny shits about their journey of self discovery (I wonder if they’ll learn to reject anti-social behavior and just love themselves instead?) Barf. Just once, I’d love to see a director of these trite crap-fests actually go Galt:
“Yeah, I was a nerd with all the blessings in the world who decided to try to be a bad boy…well, now I’m poor, addicted to heroin and suffering from an STD…and it’s still a better life than being comfortable and boring! Fuck Yeah! Sex Pistols Rule!!!”
I’d see that movie.