Coming Soon Trailers: Hobbs & Shaw.
It’s fitting that the last week of July finishes off with a sequel/spinoff in a summer stuffed with them.
Well, it took forever, but finally we get a big screen adaptation of Calvin and Hobbes. Wait. They misspelled it. And who is this Shaw guy? Is that Calvin’s last name or something. I’ve got to check my notes…
Crap. Turns out this week’s only new wide release is not a delightful feature about a puckish child and his stuffed tiger. It’s “Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw.” Fast & Furious Presents? What, like it’s masterpiece theater now? You know what, summer of 2019? You’ve officially stayed too long. It’s been six weeks since there’s been a movie in theaters I actually had the least interest in seeing. Just one vast, arid wasteland of shabby sequels, pointless remakes, and dumb, dumb movies. So fine. Let’s show the trailer for Jason Statham and The Rock doing the same thing we’ve seen them do a million times.
On the home front, we’ve got…checks notes again…the “true” story of the Illuminati, and Nicolas Cage in a revenge flick. You know, how about we all just go read a book this weekend instead?
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw.
Cyber-genetically enhanced? Oh for fuck’s sweet sake. Even reading about Hobbs and Shaw is like getting hit in the head with the moron mallet.
Video on Demand.
Illuminated: The True Story of the Illuminati.
A look at the totally “true” origins of the completely “not conspiracy theory twaddle” Illuminati.
A priest in the process of losing his faith has a fateful encounter with an unlikely visitor to his confessional booth.
Chain of Death.
A man living in ideal life has his world shattered by a diagnosis of a debilitating neurological disease. In despair, he visits a shop advertising assisted suicide. Unfortunately, the catch is that if you want their help dying, you must first kill another person.
A Score to Settle.
A convict (Nicolas Cage) is paroled after 19 years when he is diagnosed with a terminal illness. He tries to spend his final days reconciling with his son…while also planning his bloody revenge on the former gang-mates who set him up.
Three friends set out to visit their estranged children, but wind up discovering their own identities in a life post-motherhood.
15 Minutes of War.
Based on the true story, five elite snipers must take a desperate simultaneous shot to save innocent children on a bus hijacked by Somalian rebels.