Coming Soon Trailers: Insidious – The Last Key.

Coming Soon Trailers: Insidious – The Last Key.

The new year starts with the same old horror schlock you’d expect, plus the return of the VOD market.

Coming Soon Trailers: Insidious - The Last Key.If you were hoping that 2018 was going to build upon the horror Renaissance of the last two years…you don’t know Hollywood very well.  Since horror movies are making excellent money, you can be sure that the usual suspects of Jason Blum and James Wan are going to saturate the holy hell out of the market with more of the Paranormal Ouija Purge Strangers: the Beginnings crud they deal in.  The promo material for the latest (and god be praised LAST) Insidious looked interesting…and then the trailer dropped full of the usual toothless jump scares, shaky cameras and night-vision bullshit.  Fuck these movies.

…the VOD market returns after two weeks of vacation, making up for lost time with 6 new films.  I hope at least one of them is a horror movie worth watching.  I need this, 2018, I need this.

Wide Release.

Insidious – The Last Key.

Dr. Elise Rainier returns to the town she grew up in to investigate a paranormal case that hits close to home.  Because it literally happens in her old house.  Must be nice when the spirit world lobs you a softball like that.

See It?:  Hell no.

Why would you pay full ticket price for the same shitty jump scares you’ve seen a dozen times from these horror “producers”?  How many paranormal investigation franchises can the market possibly bear?  When truly interesting and creepy horror movies have been plentiful lately, don’t reward this by the numbers crap.

Video on Demand.

Future ’38.

A film purporting to have been filmed in the 1930’s has resurfaced.  It is the story of a man who must save his era by traveling through time to 2018…or at least a version of 2018 as envisioned by folks in 1938.

See It?:  Sure.

It’s a touch tongue-in-cheek, but to good comedic effect.  And it has Neil DeGrasse Tyson, so that’s pretty cool.

Cannibal Farm.

A family that has plenty of issues of its own is out on a camping trip when they’re attacked by an unseen person.  They flee to a local farm, but find that the residents are in the business of harvesting the other, other white meat.

See It?:  Nope.

You know, makers of Cannibal Farm, Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a thing, right?  You do realize this plot is about as mined out as you can possibly get in the crazy family genre?  OK, well, thanks for your time.  Good talk.

The Rizen.

A secret occult laboratory that is trying to win the cold war opens a door into a terrifying dimension that nearly wipes out the whole lab.  The few survivors must band together to stop the portal before all hell breaks loose into our world.

See It?:  Are you kidding me?!

Wow.  Just wow.  This is one lousy horror movie.  If you can make it through this trailer without groaning and laughing and then groaning again, good luck to you.

Psychopaths.

A group of psychopaths carry on the work of a killer who was put to death.

See It?:  God no.

This one nails the trifecta of predictable story, bad acting, and uninspiring action.  it feels like somebody saw half a Rob Zombie movie and figured “hey, I can do that.”  Turns out they were dead wrong.

Stratton.

An MI6 operative must catch up with the terrorist who killed his partner and botched his last mission before the evil mastermind can detonate a weapon in central London.

See It?:  Nope.

Stratton is the most generic secret operative imaginable, doing the most generic spy stuff imaginable, with equally generic threats and baddies.

Day of the Dead:  Bloodline.

A “re-imagining” of Romero’s third entry in the Dead trilogy, Day of the Dead.  Zombies that are starting to show signs of human intelligence are closing in on an old army base where humanity is desperately working on a cure for the zombie plague.

See It?:  I guess I have to say yes to at least one horror movie, right?

While this doesn’t seem to have the most novel plot (zombies getting smart was the whole premise behind Land of the Dead) it at least looks to have a decent budget and special effects.  If you have to see fake blood this weekend, I guess this will have to do.

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