Coming Soon Trailers.
One original horror film and two franchise iterations drop this week, alongside one oddball British comedy.
It must be summer. It’s hot, it’s uncomfortable, and we’re getting sequels faster than heatstroke. The latest Star Trek film is out. It is apparently busting the tomato meter. I saw an ad last night touting a crazy 93% fresh! Of course, today it’s down to 86%. Guess it makes a difference if people actually get to see your film before you tally the score…
We’re getting a new Ice Age? We’re getting a new Ice Age. Did anyone know/care? Last time I was at a theater I almost tripped over a cardboard cut out for the film. It’s like they wheeled it out while I was in the late show. That’s pretty much how their ad campaign has worked. The movie’s out, and I haven’t seen a single ad for it. Either they think they’re so beloved that they don’t need to do any press, or they are completely out of f*cks to give over at Fox.
The bright spot this week is a new horror movie called Lights Out, so you can see how doomed we all are.
Star Trek Beyond
The crew of the Enterprise are attacked and taken captive by a new enemy who has a mysterious connection to Star Fleet, and Captain Kirk has to save them. Wait, wasn’t that literally the plot to the last one?
See It: No. This film has been in trouble from day one. The writers, director and studio just can’t seem to agree on what kind of story they’re telling here. The ads have been a shotgun blast of different ideas and tones, wildly casting about for some angle that makes this iteration feel compelling and fresh. Why not check out all of those other Star Trek films now on Netflix?
Ice Age: Collision Course
Here’s the official blurb for this non-entity:
Scrat’s epic pursuit of the elusive acorn catapults him into the universe where he accidentally sets off a series of cosmic events that transform and threaten the Ice Age World. To save themselves, Sid, Manny, Diego, and the rest of the herd must leave their home and embark on a quest full of comedy and adventure, traveling to exotic new lands and encountering a host of colorful new characters.
See It: Never ever. That blurb manages to be both completely generic and mind-blowingly ludicrous at once. They’ve clearly decided that Scrat’s stupid acorn is the heart and soul of this franchise, and now have decided to abandon all logic in order to get another zany chase sequence out of it. Besides that idiotic set-up, the rest of the story sounds like…the plot to everyone on of these movies ever. This franchise is bankrupt, let it rest in peace. The actual ice age wasn’t around as long as these movies.
A childhood fear of the dark follows two siblings, one a grown woman and the other a young boy, which may have a supernatural connection to the tragic death of a childhood friend of their mother.
See It: Yes, surprisingly. While the story is as generic as you could imagine, the visuals seem crisp and strong. There’s definitely a J-horror sensibility here, as the main ghoulie feels like the girl from The Ring taking a temp job for the cat boy from The Grudge. It’s not a sequel or a spin-off, so that makes this the most strikingly original thing out this week.
Absolutely Fabulous The Movie
This film continues the adventures of Edina and Patsy, two fatuous British socialites who relentlessly pursue the high life. This time out, the pair botch a high-fashion show and become the subjects of a media feeding frenzy. They escape the French Riviera in order to dodge attention and remain in the style to which they are accustomed.
See It: Do you like Ab Fab? I suppose you are going to see it. Do you not have a clue as to what this series is or is about? Welcome to the crowd. This is a niche movie for a series that, while lasting a solid decade from 2002 to 2012, seems to be late to its own party.