Double Dare Review: BloodRayne 3/Blubberella.
I’m being forced to review these movies against my will, please call the movie police!
Wow. August 2017. It’s been one whole year since I’ve written a Double Dare Review. I actually saw both of these movies more than a year ago…and then I blacked out or something. Actually, that’s not true. While these movies are certainly bad, they’re not bad enough to cause mental damage or even bad enough to get the old righteous fury of criticism going. The real reason I haven’t reviewed these two stinkers is that talking about literally any other movie is a better use of time. These are two of the most boring flicks I have ever seen.
They’re lousy in such a pedestrian manner that you can anticipate nearly every element in them. We’ve talked about how shit Uwe Boll is as a director, and once you’ve seen one of his flicks you’ve seen them all. Like an internet troll, you can predict when he’s going to drop something “shocking” a mile away, and like an internet troll his only fall back plan is making references to Hitler.
BloodRayne 3: The Third Reich (2011)
Our titular hero, the half human half vampire monster slayer Rayne, is in Europe exterminating fascists. The Reich has plans for her, since they hope that infusing Hitler with her blood will make him immortal. During an ambush where our hero aids freedom fighters trying to save victims bound for the concentration camps, she is wounded and bleeds on a high level Nazi. This Nazi becomes a vampire hybrid himself, and our vampiress has to hunt him down before he can make it back to The Fuhrer.
Why It’s Bad.
BloodRayne 3 is generic and formulaic. Much like a video game (which this series is ostensibly supposed to be based on) when you get to the sequel where the developer has dragged out Nazis to be the baddies, you’ve reached the intellectual dead-end of that franchise. That would seem impossible for a series as awful as BloodRayne, but there you have it. The Nazis add nothing to the story other than allowing Boll to indulge his inner teenager. In fact, this movie feels like its made from the putrid drippings of an internet comment board.
Natassia Malthe takes over for Kristanna Loken (Terminator 3) as Rayne, and she…exists. Her attempts at smoldering passion are a wet campfire accident, and her attempts at intimidating bravado are ineffective. The rest of the cast is forgettable except for Clint Howard who is trying too hard to turn this film from forgettable trash to B-movie camp, and Brendan Fletcher who plays a sidekick/love interest that has the charisma of a kicked dog.
This direct to DVD outing has nothing to recommend it, but it’s not so bad you could watch it for a laugh. It’s a pure by-the-number outing from a director coasting on his reputation for salacious trash.
Blubberella is a half vampire half human monster slayer who is in Europe exterminating fascists. The Reich has plans for her, since…it’s just BloodRayne 3 with a plus-sized actress standing in for Rayne. That’s the “joke.” Heaven help me.
Why It’s Bad.
Shot at the same time as BloodRayne 3, this movie recycles most of the main cast and nearly the entire story line. It does embroider in new elements, such as Blubberella’s horrendous home life which attempts to spoof the movie Precious. There is also a side vignette where Uwe Boll himself plays Hitler and has a weird relationship with Blubberella. It has all of the same defects of BR 3 plus the additional cringe factor of Boll making every cheap juvenile joke he can about Blubberella being fat and unfuckable.
For all of that, Blubberella is a better movie than BR 3. Lindsay Hollister is actually kind of charming as Blubberella. She’s sunny and pouty by turns, which brings a natural likability to her. It doesn’t make the jokes work or make the material any less putrid, but you at least have somebody to root for. Uwe Boll is a worse person for having made Blubberella, but Blubberella is a better movie for Hollister having given it some effort.
The Next Challenge: Razzie Nominated Films.
There you have it. Blubberella and BloodRayne 3. Challenge completed in only…let’s see here…11 months. Hopefully our next dare will be worth attempting.
Since we’ve added a new writer onto the staff, the give a challenge/take a challenge format is going to have to change. Now we’ll be announcing a themed challenge open to all takers. For this first round I’m issuing the open dare for Nate and Erik to review any Golden Raspberry nominated film of their choice. Seeing as 2017 is shaping up to full of stinkers, they might actually relish the chance to watch something certified as “meritoriously bad”!