Double Dare Review: The Emoji Movie

Double Dare Review: The Emoji Movie

In a review that will have you ROFLYAO, I review The Emoji Movie, this years winner of the Golden Raspberry for Worst Movie (ÔōÔ). We find out: “Is it really (_∗_) ?”

Well, The Oscars are over, which means we turn our focus to that other thing we only do once a year: The Double Dare Review! This year’s assignment was to review a movie that the Razzies decided was the biggest turd in the punch-bowl. Well I’m here to tell you the shocking news: The Emoji Movie wasn’t that bad. I mean it wasn’t that good, but it wasn’t that bad either.

The Emoji Movie (2017)

Inside your phone, each app is its own world, inhabited by digital denizens. Gene (TJ Miller) is an Emoji, living in Textopulous. Gene’s parents were both “Meh” Emojis, and Gene wants to take over the family business of being “Meh”. The only problem is that Gene has no control over his emotions emoticons, and can’t hide them when it’s time to be “Meh”.

The Emoji Movie
If this was his default expression, we wouldn’t even need this movie.

When his inability to control himself leads Alex (the phone’s owner) to think it’s defective, Gene must escape Textopulous, find the hacker Jail-Break (Anna Faris), and purge himself of his excess emotions.

Brand Identity Crisis

If I had to pin down the mortal sin that The Emoji Movie committed, I would have to say that it was a mediocre movie that was also a naked corporate wank-fest. If this had been a good movie, the wanking would have been forgiven, or even celebrated.

Back to the Future 2
“So make like a tree and… hey, are those the new Nike Air MAG’s?”

“Heresy!” I can hear you shout from behind your keyboard. “We’d never venerate such shamelessness!”. Sure. And Hot Topic has lasted decades without making a single sale. If you want a clear example of my hypothesis we have to go back… to the future! Back to the Future Part 2 was constantly showing you perfectly placed Pepsi, gleefully gawking at Nikes, and basking in American Brand Identity in general. It just so happened to be a good movie with funny jokes and likeable characters.

In this movie, the product placement isn’t all that out of place. Each app functions like a themed world. As such, it makes the movie feel like a video game quest; a branded version of Super Mario or Sonic. They dance their way through the Just Dance app and float down the wavy visualizations of Spotify. None of it seemed egregious, and all of it was in character. Just Dance even breaks down into a glitchy mess like every other Ubisoft game ever made!

The Emoji Movie
Don’t worry about the goofy looking avatars. They will be patched out seven months after the last person has given up playing the game! HAHAHA! No seriously, I hate Ubisoft.

You Gotta Be Kid-ing Me!

The Emoji Movie
Kid’s Gloves! No? Meh, Close enough.

Everything else in The Emoji Movie is cookie cutter children’s fare. Self-worth, personal bonds, and familial acceptance all get plot points, and there’s plenty of music, goofy slapstick, and culturally relevant in-jokes. It veers towards treating your children with… well… kid’s gloves, but many B-rank kids movies do that.

In fact, I was surprised how not a bad time I was having. While I certainly wasn’t rolling in the aisles or getting teary, I was mildly tickled by a few jokes, the animation was downright pretty in places, and I even got the entire movie down in one sitting. Heck, I didn’t even have to crush a bunch of beers while watching! I still did anyway, but I didn’t HAVE to.  That’s important.

A-Meh-Zing?

Nope. Not amazing. But certainly not some world-ending crap-fest that will leave you a burnt out husk. That was Valerian. And that didn’t even get nominated by the Golden Raspberry committee. I’m seriously wondering if any of the people who gave this movie its 10% rotten rating even watched it. I thought the movie was going to be utter garbage from the trailers too, but that’s no reason to go slag something sight unseen. Because that would make you… whats that word…

The Emoji Movie
“A Troll, sir?”

Yeah.  A Troll! Thanks Emoji Movie!

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