Movies That Ruined My Childhood
Movies play a big part in everyone’s childhood. Be it the first time you experienced a classic like Star Wars or that specialflick that you watched every weekend with your parents. Especially now, when movies have become part of our culture and early development, all but replacing the baby sitter, we all develop ties to those films that are wired into our happy times. But sometimes things go wrong, and you watch a particular movie that seems hell-bent on destroying your developing little mind.
In Movies that Ruined My Childhood, we take an unflinching look at the dastardly films that scarred you as a youth and made the closet a place of unspeakable horrors. So let’s work through this together as we exorcise our demons.
Call it a public service. You’re welcome!
With Christmas finally behind us, I can now muster up the courage to discuss perhaps one of the most traumatizing films of the holiday season. A film that made me deathly afraid of late night snacks and proper hygiene.
A movie that has contributed to a lifelong fear of guinea pigs and old Chinese men.
The story is centered around Billy Peltzer, a young man that leads a Norman Rockwell-esque life in a small town, until he receives a very unusual gift from his inventor father.
This gift is a cute little fuzzy creature called Gizmo, a Mogwai (picture a slightly less retarded furby with arms and legs.) It seems like a great gift… but there are a few stipulations when raising these furry little bastards.
Rule #1 – Keep them away from light.
Rule #2 – Don’t get them wet.
Rule #3 – Don’t feed them after midnight.
If these seem less like care instructions for a pet than care instructions for an aging and grumpy Steven Seagal, keep reading, it gets much worse.
Billy promptly breaks all these rules, leaving us to wonder why his dad did not start off with maybe a puppy. Better yet a pet rock. But no, he gets the child a mutant, because that’s what normal dads do.
I want to take a second here and address Rule #2. If you aren’t supposed to feed them after midnight when the fuck are you supposed to feed them? Are we talking Central Time? Mountain Time? Midnight in Beijing, where the little bastard came from? Can you give a more specific time frame? Perhaps Einstein had Mogwai in mind when he came up with relativity. We’ll never know.
By breaking these rules, Gizmo starts hemorrhaging Satan-puffs more vile then honey boo boo.
These gizmo clones ultimately trick feeble minded Billy into feeding them after midnight, and they transform into gremlins, unleashing holy hell on the town and covering the freshly blanketed white snow with crimson blood.
One scene that stands out in particular is the gremlins viewing Snow White at the movie theater and bursting through the screen. How many children went running and screaming from the theater after viewing this? (Editor’s note: Raises hand. I can still remember the look on my father’s face as he had to excuse himself from a packed row of his friends and acquaintances in order to chase two terrified children into the lobby. Thanks, Dad.)
Joe Dante clearly hates children, luring them in with a cutesy and cuddly creature, and then flipping the script with demonic muppets. If you want your child to have an unhealthy fear of not following rules, Gremlins is a for you.