Little Basket of Horrors: Easter Edition!
We peep some Son-of-God-Awful movies. Somebunny hasn’t jelly-bean stocking RedBox up with holiday trash, so we open up the search to other video providers. Which rotten Easter Egg will end up in our basket?
Easter is today, so we reverently celebrate the holiday with films that truly understand the reason for the season: shameless capitalism! RedBox is suprisingly light on Easter-inspired film fare, so I will look at candidates from Amazon Video and VUDU as well. Which film will betray my eyeballs for 30 pieces of silver? And more importantly, will my sanity rise from the dead three days after I’m done watching it?
- Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter CottonHell (VUDU): Oh boy, I thought Neil and I were egregious pun-machines. A giant kaiju-bunny is stalking a town, and the local dog-catcher is the only one who can stop it. Where’s Joe Bob Briggs when you need him?
- Easter Bunny, Kill Kill! (Amazon): A scheming con man gets his comeuppance when the Easter-loving son of his latest target summons a Bunny-masked psycho! Why am I even writting for this website, when I could make at least… oh… I don’t know… three fiddy coming up with asinine horror movie plots?
- Easter Bunny Adventures (RedBox): “Wait a minute?” You say, “The other two movies are horrors, why a kids movie for the third?” Watch the trailer and tell me this CGI nightmare isn’t the scariest of the three. I dare you.
In an Easter miracle, I decided to watch all three of these stinkers! Well, tried to… for reasons I’ll expound upon below. Unlike the loaves and fishes, turning one review into three didn’t satiate my hunger, it just left me weeping tears of blood.
Lets get down to bunny-business, shall we?
Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter CottonHell (2014)
This film wants to be a Troma film so badly. Everyone is conspicuously over or under acting. The gore is silly, and there’s about as much nudity as the director could con out of the actresses. The problem is, this film has neither the fun nor the subversive sensibilities of Troma, so it affects an ironic air to try and cover up for its inadequacy.
All of the writing in this is juvenile and mean-spirited. All the men in this film are little shits, trying to be some amalgamation of the bullies from Power Rangers and Karl Hungus’ repairman from The Big Lebowski. They are the over actors. All the actresses are most likely third tier porn stars, working this gig because the Bang Bus sped right past them. They can’t even be bothered to scream like they give a damn.
The final element in this puerile party is Peter CottonHell. If Easter Bunny Adventure hadn’t shown me that worse CGI exists, I’d have guessed that this “monster” was the worst CGI mankind has ever produced. He just stands there, poorly rendered and flailing on a skeleton that only seems to have three points of articulation, all of which were mis-programmed to bend in the wrong direction. Don’t let the cover art fool you, he doesn’t look half that good.
If this film had heart, it might have been trashy fun. Each kill is set up to be a gag or lampoon of people that you might wish dead if you were a petty person who hated modern life. The mean, too cool to try attitude of this movie won’t let any of these gags work, however, and Beaster Day just leaves you tired with it by about the ten minute mark.
Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (2006)
If Beaster Day was camp, then this film is “serious”. It’s just as mean-spirited as the first film, but it wants to hurt you. It meant to do that with a grimy script full of lurid death, but instead it does it with horrible cinematography. This thing would have looked better if I had filmed it with my cell-phone. It also has horrible, offensive-on-purpose writing, and everyone in it is bad and should go home and rethink their lives after being in it.
This film is edge-lord garbage, and I want nothing more to do with it.
Easter Bunny Adventure (2017) (No, seriously, this film looks this bad with current technology)
Easter Bunny Adventure is what happens when people who are most likely in a cult try and make children’s entertainment. It is one of those films that is genuinely trying to be a clean, fun, wholesome time for people (children) they fundamentally don’t understand. It comes across as pandering, condescending, and unsettling all at once.
If you took me up on my dare, you know the graphics are so bad this would be the one thing awful enough to get curated off of STEAM. I could get free vectors and clip art, rotate them in photoshop, film that with a GO PRO that had a sock over its camera, and it would look better.
Easter Bunny Adventure is so cringe-worthy I was waiting for some “Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared” level subversion to happen at any minute. But no, this is just plain old vanilla bad.
A Trinity of Terribleness
None of these films are worth your time. Even at the cost of free*. I’d rather have eaten the fake plastic grass out of an Easter basket than spend another second with these films. I mean, Jesus, I at least could joke on Zoombies. These unholy abominations didn’t even merit snark.
Well, sorry for promising treats and delivering black licorice jelly beans instead. But hey, sometimes you eat the (candy) bar, and sometimes the bar eats you.
*With Prime Membership. Thanks Bezos. Thanks.