Little Box of Horrors: ARCHIE 2 – Mission ImPAWsible
Well, here we go again. ARCHIE 2 is another kids movie produced, written, and directed by people who ostensibly hate children.
Red Rover, Red Rover, send bad movies over!
This week’s been going to the dogs. On the bright side, one of the family pooches got to spend a week being pampered at a Doggy Spa. On a down note, another of the family dogs passed away. So needless to say, when I went to the Redbox in Windsor, VT (third state, get!) I had an itch I was looking to scratch. Let’s see if RedBox gave this dog a bone.
- Scooby Doo! and the Gourmet Ghost (2018): Co-starring Bobby Flay and Gina De Laurentiis. What’s a matter, Food Network? Are those the only two celebrity chefs you have left after #MeToo? Even Iron Chef had the good sense to try and electrocute Flay when he showed up as a guest. You fooled me once, Hanna Barbera, you won’t get away with it a second time.
- Mission Possible (2018): Shitzus are a bizarre breed. They’ve been bred to be super annoying, yet also very easy to kill. Either way, I’m not watching a full two hours of them running around with their smooshed-in faces.
- ARCHIE 2 – Mission ImPAWsible (2018): Listen, you Hollywood hacks. I get it. A new M:I movie came out this year and you want to trick some kid into begging their parent to rent the wrong movie. I also get that the only way you can part with the ten dollars it takes to make a kid’s movie is if it steals the premise from at least one movie that has brand recognition. But I have to question the logic of smashing together Big Top Pee Wee and Spy Kids. Wait, you got Michael J. Fox to sign on for this? Damn, you guys ARE serious.
So, if we’ve learned anything from these selections, all dogs are G-men. From detectives to robotic super-agents, dogs are all part of some government surveillance program. I’m surprised Alex Jones hasn’t made the connection, but I guess that jackass is too busy complaining about frogs. Let’s see which doggo is a good boy. Or at least a tolerable one.
ARCHIE 2 – Mission ImPAWsible (2018)
ARCHIE (some stupid acronym, I’m not gonna bother to look it up)(voice of: Michael J. Fox) is spending some downtime with his owners/friends/people-he-tolerates in a remote town that is hosting a carnival. One of his frenemies (seriously, nobody likes one another in this film) has dreams of joining the circus, and this motley collection of talentless individuals is his big break. When the big break turns into a big bust, ARCHIE is roped into using his cybernetic abilities (umm, he can talk. I guess that counts?) into becoming the dummy in a ventriloquism act. Things start looking bright for the Carnival. But the sudden notoriety threatens to reveal ARCHIE’s secret existence, and no one at the Big Top is who they appear to be. Namely, talented.
Do You Even Like Children?
This movie is so mean spirited, I can’t imagine that anyone involved in this project likes the human race, let alone children. From top to bottom, everyone is snarky, backstabbing, and awful. Everyone is out to cut everyone else out at the knees, even if it means destroying their meal tickets in the process. Even the dog is terrible: after agreeing to help get his friend a circus gig, he nearly torpedoes the audition for no discernable reason.
Hell, the first minute of the film is a talking dog’s head exploding. To make matters worse, no one improves: at the end of the film, no one’s learned one thing or made one change for the better.
The humor is lame, with everyone either humiliating themselves or trying to get a “sick burn” on someone else. None of the jokes even rise to “dad joke” level, and all the physical comedy revolves around either the fat guy or the inbred brothers getting hit with something, lighting themselves on fire, or farting. So creative, much wow.
Digging up Plot Holes
The whole story is just filler as well. Remember old explodey, the canine trauma machine? It was the attempt of an evil corporation to create another ARCHIE. When that fails, Dollar Store Rita Repulsa put out an APB on the orginal ARCHIE. We never, ever, hear from this plot point again. I kept waiting for one of the basket of deplorables to drop a dime and sell ARCHIE out for a quick buck. Nope. The film forgets all about it and transitions to finding out who is embezzling from the circus. It’s less of a whodunit, and more of a “who cares? all of these people deserve to be behind bars”. All attempts at misdirection are literally just members of the circus telling easily disproven lies. They must have all gone to Trump University.
Take the Money and Run
The carnival heist pales in comparison to how nakedly ARCHIE 2 tries to take your cash. This film was written, directed, and starring Robin Dunne, an actor whose biggest hit is being the only person I don’t remember from The Big Hit. And I’ve seen that movie a million times. His wife plays the lead antagonist. I bet the two yokels are his drinking buddies. It would explain why those four are the only faces you see in the promo pictures this film submitted to IMDb. That’s right, all 49 photos are two grubby, sister-touching stereotypes. Who don’t even do anything in the movie! Even getting promotional materials for this review was a soul crushing affair.
Well, that’s two dog movies I’ve reviewed for this feature. And they keep getting worse. At least Robo-Dog was trying to be a wholesome product meant to enrich children’s lives. This movie exists to (barely) enrich the director and his friends. Robo-Dog might have been ugly, but he’s a prize-winner compared to the souls of everyone behind this. I can’t believe Michael J. Fox attached himself to this (twice!). I understand that his health being what it is, voice acting might be the only viable outlet he has these days. But, c’mon man, you did Stuart Little! Mark Hamill was way past relevant in 1995, and he got to be the Joker, so I’m sure someone would be tickled pink having you voice something iconic.
ARCHIE 2 is a waste of celluloid. It introduces you to awful, dull, and awfully dull people. It then has them run around like idiots for an hour and a half before everything returns to the exact place it started. Nothing beneficial was generated from this film, and I was wishing that I was the one with a Mind-Reboot subroutine by about the ten minute mark. Oh did I forget to mention this film has a dog that debates whether to commit intellectual suicide several times?
Yeah, keep your paws off this movie, at all costs.