Want to save some money in 2020? Steer clear of these likely stinkers!
It is time. Time once again to gird our loins and head into battle. To track down the vilest, most despicable, most atrocious films Hollywood dares to slip into theaters. They possess awful plots, flimsy characters, and enough lazy screenwriting to kill most people on sight.
We’re ready.
Ready to avoid watching these.
I would heartily suggest doing the same. I mean, there’s a bunch of better films coming out this year. Why risk it?
Least Anticipated Films 2020 (January – June)
January.
- Bad Boys for Life (Jan. 17)
Bad Boys, Bady Boys, watcha gonna do?
Stay the hell away from this movie, that’s what.
Will Smith is looking to really cap off his action career with a sputter. I think it’s a combination of generic scripts and people catching on to the fact that Will Smith only has one action character in his arsenal. Seriously, you could super-cut his dialogue from Bright, Gemini Man, I Am Legend, and the Bad Boys movies and they’d all feel like they came from one movie.
I feel bad for Martin Lawrence. His character in this trailer is the only person who feels like a human being instead of an action movie caricature. Sure, he made his fame by being a discount Eddie Murphy. He imploded that fame with a series of crazy flame outs, including some good old (alleged) assaults. And…
OK. I don’t feel the least bit bad for Martin Lawrence. Avoid this movie.
February.
- Fantasy Island (Feb. 14)
Murder mysteries are back in vogue. Unfortunately, this trailer has a paucity of murder and mystery on display. Instead, it feels like just another millennial slasher, where some dumb gimmick like a party game or a creepy doll acts as an excuse to bump off a bunch of unlikable characters.
Can I also ask: why Fantasy Island? That show has so little cultural cachet these days, I doubt you could scare up a re-run on cable TV. What screamed out to directors that 20-somethings were desperate to have that mostly forgotten show resurrected with a gory coat of paint? What the hell is next? Mr. Ed the talking horse as a serial killer? Green Acres as a crazy cannibal flick? I Dream of (Revenge Killer) Genie?
Get the fuck out.
- Brahms: The Boy II (Feb. 21)
Every creepy doll movie must get a sequel. They cost nothing to make, so any money they make is profit. Did anyone see The Boy (and no, not the really dark and awesome psychological thriller from 2015, this one from 2016, with a stupid doll)?
Who cares. If two stoned people accidentally walk into this theater, the production company makes their budget back.
March.
- My Spy (Mar. 13)
Steer well clear of this Kindergarten Cop knock-off. It was originally slated for last year, but I guess Dave Bautista only wanted one comedy bomb per calendar year, so this got pushed back.
I enjoy Bautista’s work. He’s the funniest part of Guardians of the Galaxy. He has surprising range in his dramatic roles. He just can’t carry a buddy cop movie. This is his second attempt in as many years, and I don’t see this one faring any better.
April.
- Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway (Apr. 3)
So…I guess everyone in the cast liked the surprise paycheck that was the first movie. Two years later, we’re doing it again. Never mind that the film’s animation still looks chintzy, the plot is still threadbare, and the humor remains a reheated collection of pratfalls. Rose Byrne is back to be inoffensively British and Domhnall Gleeson apparently just wants to pour gasoline all over his career after the humiliation of the Star Wars trilogy.
Go re watch the Paddington Bear movies instead. Seriously. Those are endearing. And Domhnall’s dad is way funnier.
May.
- Legally Blonde 3 (May 8)
Oh? Really? We’re going to do this?
No. No we are not. Sorry Reese, your moment passed, Legally Blonde’s moment passed, and we already live in a world where pretty nincompoops are legion. We don’t need this.
- Artemis Fowl (May 29)
Get ready to crown 2020’s version of “Disney live action adaptation (not based shamelessly on their own cartoons) that explodes on launch.” Based on a series of YA lit books that were popular not nearly recently enough, this latest pretender to the Harry Potter throne is woefully unprepared.
The material has none of the cross-over appeal of a Hunger Games or Harry Potter film. The YA boom is completely busted. The plot from the trailer hardly registers. Oh, and the main character is ostensibly a bad guy and a rich little shit. I swear Disney just puts films like this and A Wrinkle in Time out every year for tax reasons.
June.
- Top Gun Maverick (Jun. 26)
This belated sequel is not clear to buzz the tower. Repeat, the formation is full, Mav. Just let it go.
I know in certain circles, this is going to be a nostalgic, guilty pleasure. The trailer certainly is banking all of its bets on that. The trailer is 90% callback scenes to the original. Unfortunately, the other 10% is Tom Cruise offering weak dialogue to Ed Harris (who is acting as audience surrogate here by being utterly unconvinced that Mav is needed in 2020). The film does nothing to justify why it, or dumb old Maverick, deserve more screen time.
On the Edge…
- Sonic the Hedgehog (Feb. 14)
This could go either way. I mean, on paper, it’s nearly destined to go poorly…but it could maybe manage to be decent. They certainly improved the visuals and tone from the first trailer debacle. I still believe that Jim Carrey is going to chew the high holy hell out of the scenery, and that James Marsden is pretty much a block of wood as a protagonist, but…wait, what was I saying?
Yeah, this is still probably going to suck.
- The Invisible Man (Feb. 28)
This film started out as the next classic Universal monster in the “Dark Universe” that promptly imploded each time they tried to jump start it. Yeah, thanks Dracula Untold and The Mummy. Now we might actually get a good movie!
This thriller stars Elizabeth Moss (The Handmaid’s Tale, Us) as a survivor of domestic abuse who is convinced her tormentor is still after her…despite the fact that nobody can see him. It’s a smart, modern take with a fantastic lead actress. Hopefully director Leigh Whannell continues his streak of gloriously disturbing films after Upgrade and Saw.
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