Our Ten’s List: Least Anticipated Films of 2019, Pt 2.
It’s with a heavy heart and a gleeful poison pen that we round up ten more films to avoid in 2019.
Ho boy. Here we go again. We got tired franchises limping into unwanted sequels. We’ve got reboots of reboots. We’ve got shameless rip-offs and knock-offs. Hollywood really does give with both hands when it comes to horrible, awful, no good movies. Here are
ten fifteen of our picks for films to avoid like the plague when they hit theaters with a thud this year.
Least Anticipated Films of 2019, Part 2.
10. MIB International (Jun 14).
Welcome back to the 90’s, everyone. We start the list with another attempt to revive the dormant Men in Black franchise, and scrolling down a touch I see an action flick where Will Smith must battle Will Smith. Hollywood must be nostalgic for the days when summer blockbusters existed.
This film has an able cast, and that’s about all. The story is generic, the set-up is generic, and the action in the trailer is generic. The only real bits of life come from one throw-away Thor joke and Tessa Thompson trying her damnedest. This is not the intergalactic romp Thompson and Hemsworth deserve, but it’s the one Hollywood is shamelessly exploiting.
9. Tie: Annabelle Comes Home (Jun 26)/The Boy 2 (Jul 26).
We get it. Dolls are creepy. They’re also tied with killer clowns for the most over-used horror villain in Hollywood. We don’t need two more of them, especially when we’ve got the king of the genre, Child’s Play, hitting theaters so soon. This is mutually assured destruction, where three creepy doll movies are going to cannibalize anyone’s good will towards the premise.
8. Tie: Stuber(Jul 12)/My Spy (Aug 23)
Do you like Dave Bautista as an unexpectedly fantastic comedian in Guardians of the Galaxy? Do you want to see him jammed into every conceivable buddy comedy possible? Did you answer yes to both of those questions? Are you secretly the production manager of a major movie studio and are out of horror franchises to reboot?
I love Bautista’s work. He’s been a delight in just about every genre he’s turned his hand to. He’s better than this. Stuber feels like a reheated version of Die Hard with a Vengeance, and My Spy is mining the already exhausted Kindergarten Cop genre. Either way, skip it and watch Bautista in his other gems…like The Scorpion King 3…
7. Angry Birds 2 (Aug 14).
Yeah, no. Fuck right off with this movie.
6. Playmobil The Movie (Aug 30).
Fuck. Right. Off.
5. Gemini Man (Oct 11).
This film would have been a real corker back in 2000 when Will Smith was still relevant. As it is now, it joins the long list of “fading action star plays himself twice in the same movie” films, which is a surprisingly busy genre. I thought Smith had hit peak vanity project when he forced us to watch his summer camping trip with his son in After Earth. I guess I was wrong.
4. The Addams Family (Oct 11).
Some times a film captures the essence of a property so perfectly that they completely own it. The live-action The Addams Family with Raul Julia, Anjelica Huston and Christopher Lloyd was one of those movies. The cast was perfectly chosen from top to bottom. The humor was delightfully macabre and effortless, evoking the charm of the comic strip to a T. It was a visual treat, with fantastic sets and effects. It fired on all cylinders.
This version more technically hearkens back to the look of Charles Addams’ work, which winds up making it feel uninspired. Not to mention like a set of the world’s ugliest porcelain dolls. We’ve had many versions of these characters, one of which was superlative, so they really needed to put their own stamp on it. Unfortunately, the stamp they chose was “chintzy.” This feels like it should be a Halloween TV special, not a theatrical release.
3. Terminator: Dark Fate (Nov 1).
Oh, we’re retconning this franchise again? Great.
They keep trying to go back to the well and recapture the glory of T:2, but that tanker truck has already sailed. Kudos to Linda Hamilton for still being an uber badass, but this baloney sandwich of a plot does not inspire any confidence.
2. Cats (Dec 20).
Why? Anyone with even the tiniest inkling to see this bloated, self-important production has seen it. The premise feels strained past credulity for even a Broadway musical, like Andrew Lloyd Webber got wasted and decided he could literally make ANYTHING a Broadway hit. I do not see that gibberish translating to the big screen. Despite securing two of the greatest actors of our time, Judi Dench and Ian McKellen, I think this ode to nonsense is quickly going to burn through its nine lives.
1. Star Wars IX: The Rise of Skywalker (Dec 20).
That name. That completely illogical, asinine name. It’s utterly fitting: it shamelessly high-lights the fact that the only thing this series has left anymore is name recognition. It’s another attempt by that hack J.J. to snare audience attention by setting up “provocative” questions he probably has no fucking answers for. I’m not biting.
I don’t care if you retcon every stupid idea from The Last Jedi. I certainly don’t give a fuck that you’re teasing the Emperor being in this one. You can take this whole trilogy and throw it down the reactor shaft for all I care.
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (Aug 9).
The book series was deliciously scary to read as a kid, filled with some of the most gruesome illustrations ever sketched in a children’s book. It has an amazing director in André Øvredal (Autopsy of Jane Doe, Trollhunter) and Guillermo Del Toro writing the script. That’s a ton of positives. The negatives…well…just watch the trailer:
Not only is the story biting IT Chapter 1 so hard you can see the teeth marks, the visuals are more comical than frightening. The pacing is also slow as molasses, and this is a freaking teaser trailer! Hard to tell which way this film is going to go.
Rambo: Last Blood (Sep 20).
I thought the last Rambo was…you know…the LAST RAMBO. We can’t miss you if you never leave, Sly. With that being said, latter-day Stallone has been shockingly effective and entertaining. I just don’t trust Sly to let this franchise go if it makes any money. We’ll be here again in two years watching a still very much alive John Rambo passing off his murder skills to some young bankable star playing Col. Trautman’s kid.
Charlie’s Angels (Nov 15).
You know, the Charlie’s Angels movies weren’t all that bad. OK, OK, they were bad, but bad in a delightfully fun way. I don’t think the franchise really has any expectations attached to it anymore, which takes a ton of pressure off this film. It just needs to be fun.
It’s got a great cast. I don’t know that Elizabeth Banks as the director inspires a ton of excitement, but I likewise don’t have anything negative to say about her previous films. This project seems to just exist. If it’s good, hooray. If it’s bad, who cares?