Bottom Ten Upcoming Releases
Every year has it’s share of films you can’t wait to see. Perhaps organized into a tidy list for your enjoyment. But like that stack of presents on Christmas morning, you know deep down in your soul that for every amazing Inhumanoids action figure, there will be a sweater. Or socks. Like a holiday kick to the groin. Damn I hate getting socks…
Getting back to the metaphor: for every must-see movie, Hollywood has ensured that there will be at least one soulless travesty of a film to erase your faith in modern cinema. Brainless shoot-em-ups, has-been action stars trying to steal your ticket money one last time, or sequels to movie franchises that should never have been made in the first place. These films will slowly digest your will to live, much like being caught in Decompose’s deadly chest prison…
Anyhow, Our Ten’s List will hopefully save you time, money, and frustration by waving you away from the ten worst movies scheduled for 2014. Unless you enjoy repeated crotch kicks. Or socks for Christmas… Just avoid these movies, OK?
Least Anticipated films of 2014
10. Edge of Tomorrow. (June)
Edge of Tomorrow looks like a cut-and-splice mash up of Elysium, Source Code, and Starship Troopers. That is not a good thing. Starring Tom Cruise as cannon fodder who mysteriously relives the same day over and over again, that day being the last day of the human race. Given the Konami code of infinite lives, Cruise is taught to become a one man wrecking crew, going from blood-stain to bad-ass as the movie progresses. Packed into power armour that looks like the K-Mart version of Matt Damon’s gear in Elysium, he must find the weakness of the alien invaders and change the course of the war. Sounds hackneyed as all hell, but I must admit the trailer kind of made me want to see TC splat some bugs. This movie could go either way.
9. Left Behind. (June)
Oh dear God! Not the Nicolas Cage! Ahh, my eyes! I’d rather have the bees!
Anyone who read the books for the Left Behind series (or saw the ill conceived Kirk Cameron versions) know that the “story” of this post-rapture Christian romp runs thin pretty quickly. Picture Stephen King’s Stand made over for the Bible thumping crowd, and then add more preaching and moralizing. And Nicolas Cage. I can’t believe they’re going to reboot this series with the only actor with less appeal than Kirk Cameron. Avoid this like a Biblical plague.
8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (August)
While Michael Bay does not direct this monstrosity, his evil smell is all over the project. The cast seems like a disaster. Rumors of changing the turtles from mutants to aliens muddied the waters with seething nerd-rage before the project even took shape. With so many fans invested in the property, and so many different takes on the story already existing, it is very hard to understand the desire for this film. It starts with one foot already in the grave due to all the expectations placed on it, and would have to be the Citizen Kane of karate reptile movies just to be considered decent. Plus, we all know that there is only one TMNT movie to rule them all, and it starred Vanilla Ice. Game, Set, Match.
7. Need For Speed. (March)
Give this Fast and Furious clone a traffic ticket for exceeding the pointless knock-off limit. Plus it’s based on a video game series which has the central plot of “drive your car faster than the other cars.” Nope.
6. Noah. (March)
Lord, why have you forsaken me? This year is poised to have three Biblical inspired films, and they all look dreadful. Why director Aronofsky decided to tackle this project is a mystery, given his history of dark and cerebral films. This outing looks like the prototypical Russell Crowe ego project, where he chews scenery and struts like a peacock, daring anyone to deny that he is the manliest man to ever do man things in a man-way. There is slim hope that Aronofsky has hidden a gem somewhere in here, but it looks for all the world to be Gladiator part 3, Maximus Gets Biblical.
5. Vampire Academy. (February)
Teen vampire movie based on teen romance series. If that’s not enough description for you to steer well clear of this, you’re destruction is of your own making. Have fun!
4. Atlas Shrugged III. (July)
Audiences shrugged harder for the last two outings of this asinine film series. Based on the tawdry musings of the sociopath Ayn Rand, this ideologically driven bore has at least one redeeming feature: it’s the last in the series. Hooray for that. A paean for the professionally selfish, the central message of business paragons as the best stewards of our country rings a bit tone deaf as the daily news cycle brings us more tales of “makers” shitting in the water and air supply of us everyday “takers.” I hope the studio attached to this crap goes bankrupt, so the almighty free market can toss them into the street. Oh wait, corporate bankruptcy is a sham where all the CEO’s still get paid for steering a company off a cliff. Oh, libertarians, you are adorable when you talk about personal accountability…
3. A Haunted House 2. (March)
No. No, Wayans brothers. No. As if endless Scary Movie sequels were not enough, now we get Marlon Wayans starting a franchise ripping off the Paranormal Activity genre. Or you know, the exact same shit that the Scary Movie series already has covered to death. It’s not funny, and has not be funny for a very long time. Can somebody please get a Ouija board out and send this spawn of hell back to where it belongs? Please?
2. I, Frankenstein. (January)
This Frankenstein meets Underworld crap-fest is completely without merit. Is there a secret conspiracy somewhere in Hollywood where studio execs are honor bound to ruin every beloved movie monster? First Vampires and Werewolves, and now Frankenstein. Do yourself a favor and re-watch the Gargoyles animated series if you want to see stone golems bashing each other’s brains out. Leave Victor’s poor creation to wander the barren Arctic wastes alone, as nature intended.
1. Transformers 4: Age of Extinction. (June)
At this point, I can’t even blame Michael Bay for what he is doing to our childhoods. I blame us. And by us, I mean you. Seriously, stop seeing this crap. Who the hell keeps buying tickets to Transformers, Battleship, and the like? They’re bloody awful, and not in the funtastic campy way a real B movie can achieve. Millions of dollars of CG to make blurry, lens flared, plastic looking crap that careens around the screen so fast you can’t tell what you just saw. Stop it, audiences. Stop paying for this stuff.