Our Ten’s List: Uwe Boll Movies.

Hot on the heels of Uwe Boll announcing that his next film will thankfully be his last, we decided to do in this retrospective what we did to his individual movies: mock some and largely ignore the rest.

I’m sure you’re thinking, shouldn’t that title be: WORST Uwe Boll Movies? Ah, sweet naive reader!

(*Editor’s Note:  I believe “worst” is implied if you’re listing Uwe Boll stuff.*)

Debating which film is Boll’s worst is like finding the warmest spot after the heat death of the universe…or avoiding the warmest spot after a hobo sleeps in your bed. So instead we will go in order, each entry a stone to the monument to the shittiest movie maker the world has ever known.

German Fried Movie (1992)

Boll’s first assault on movie goer’s senses, he wrote, directed, starred and produced this movie that shares two too many words in common with one of the best comedies ever made. Not much to go  on here, as this movie is a ghost on Wikipedia and Rotten Tomatoes, and the only description of it on IMDB is “from a terrible director comes a terrible movie”. Nooooiiicce.

House of the Dead (2003)

Fast forward a few years and we witness Uwe’s war on video-game movies. I tried shooting this movie with a light-gun but it’s relentless suck could not be killed. Having nothing to do with the Sega game of the same name other than licensing rights, this movie was an excuse for tits and gore. A poor excuse. The video game had one of the batshit craziest stories ever, and it still managed to be more coherent than this drek. My advice: Don’t come! DON’T COME!

Bloodrayne(2005)

Since we already covered this trash, all I’m gonna say is how the fuck did Ben Kingsley decide to be in this movie?

Postal(2007)

“A nameless drifter dons a postman’s uniform and bag of mail as he begins a quest to inspire hope to the survivors living in post-apocalyptic America.” -IMDB

Oh wait. That’s their synopsis of Kevin Costner’s 1997 epic The Postman. Eh, we’ll just run with that.

Bloodrayne: Deliverance (2007)

You know, I have a hard time deciding. If I was part of the backwoods yokels who captures the protagonists in Deliverance (1972), I’d have a hard time deciding which of the four to butt-rape. I mean, sure Burt Reynolds is the odds on favorite just for his looks, but I think Jon Voight would lend the affair some gravitas, and you would have to bet that Ned Beatty would be down with snuggling afterwards. Sorry Ronny Cox, you take last place.

Far Cry(2008)

Did you know that Uwe Boll challenged some of his critics to a boxing match over their poor reviews of his films? Only the smaller ones though. Because no, Donny, this man is a coward.

Rampage(2009)

Here’s a recipe for roasted vegetable salsa, courtesy of Martha Stewart. Enjoy!

Yield: 3 cups    Prep Time: 15 minutes

INGREDIENTS

• 2 large tomatoes (1 1/2 pounds)
• 1 medium white onion, halved
• 3 jalapenos
• 3 garlic cloves, unpeeled
• 3 tablespoons fresh lime juice (from 2 limes)
• Coarse salt and ground pepper
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro

DIRECTIONS

1. Heat broiler, with rack in top position. Place tomatoes, onion, jalapenos, and garlic in a single layer on a rimmed baking sheet.
2. Broil until vegetables are blistered and slightly softened, rotating sheet and flipping vegetables frequently, 6 to 8 minutes (garlic may need to be removed earlier, if it is browning too quickly).
3. Discard garlic skins. In a food processor, pulse garlic and vegetables until coarsely pureed. Add lime juice, season with salt and pepper, and pulse to combine.
4. Transfer salsa to a bowl and stir in cilantro. Refrigerate up to 3 days, freeze up to 3 months.

BloodRayne: The Third Reich(2011)

Oh look, Alberto Monos drew a tank! How adorable!

Assault on Wall Street(2013)

Speaking of which, how does Uwe get all these cinematic abominations financed? Oh that’s right, he uses a tax loophole in Germany that lets studios write off his movies. Funny enough, that loophole is closing just about at the exact time that Herr Boll decided to hang it up. But I guess it was just that DVD sales are declining and people just don’t get your work, right?

(Herr Boll, get it? Funnier joke than anything he’s ever done)

Rampage: President Down(2016)

Finally, we are at his last film. If Donald Trump hasn’t made enough of a mockery of the Executive Branch of our government, I guess this film might put the final nail in the coffin. Well, at least for the five people who will watch it.

Bolls well that ends well

So thank you for sticking around as we give this man all the respect that is his due. Which is none. Fuck you, Uwe. Sleep well gentle reader, knowing that you have my word none of his movies will ever end up in my Little Box of Horrors. That’d be too cruel.