This Week in Box Office History
Just about one year ago, we at Deluxe Video Online began this feature, taking viewers through movie history. Now that we’ve celebrated our achievement, we will be changing our format to take an in depth look at the best of the best. Not the Eric Roberts’ karate movies, but the best movies, year by year, as picked by audiences, the Academy Awards, the almighty dollar, and by our reviewers. That’s a long list of movies, so tell the guy at the counter you want the extra large popcorn, and settle in for our tour through movie memory lane.
But First…The Week That Was.
Before we get to the historical, lets check in with last weekend’s winners. Due to our year one festivities (read: 12 pack of cold ones and a high five from some random guy on the street) we skipped making picks last week. Such a shame to have missed the cultural milestone that was another goddamn Transformers movie. Oh well, onward and upwards!
Michael Bay swindled another 40 million from honest hard working folk this weekend with his crass and cynical merchandising orgy. He also fucked up a perfectly reasonable story about robots trying to kill each other until one robot decides to ride a dinosaur, who also happens to be a robot. I think that should involve jail time. I really do.
#2. Tammy. (21 million.)
A movie that almost likes women, Tammy stars Melissa McCarthy as she attempts to get out from under the shallow veneer of brassy white trash lady that Hollywood apparently thinks she is only capable of. With such a strong cast (Susan Sarandon, Sandra Oh, Kathy Bates, Dan Aykroyd) this movie should should have had more courage. Instead, it features a plus size woman being constantly belittled and marginalized, and gives her the solution: let your asshole husband off the hook for cheating, drop everything and reinvent yourself, and do it with a new man (who is a criminal.) Goddamn, some times I hate Hollywood so so much.
#3. 22 Jump Street. (9 million.)
Goddamn, some times I hate Hollywood so so much.
The Week That Will Be: Predictions.
#3. Tammy. (10 million.)
As little as this movie offers, it should fare decently against a weekend that is all about alpha male aggression. Goddamn, some times I hate yadda yadda yadda.
#2. Transfauxmers 4: Age of Consent. (20 million.)
Did you know that a central “comedic” premise of this movie is that Marky Mark’s daughter is under age and being nailed by a guy who keeps a laminated copy of Texas law that allows him to violate an under age girl? Did you know that it in no way advances the plot, and could have been completely ignored by either not mentioning her age or not implying that she gives awesome hand jobs? Did you know that Michael Bay finds this to be topical and hilarious? Did you know that I think Michael Bay is a form of life just a bit less evolved than the microbe that causes Athlete’s Foot?
#1. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. (45 million.)
Gary Oldman hates him some monkeys. Hopefully this installment of Monkeys Vs. Humans will actually explain why we have anything whatsoever to fear from slightly smarter monkeys. Am I missing something here? The monkeys are smart…at least smarter than normal monkeys. One of them can even shout a single angry word at the camera if pressed. They are strong…at least stronger than James Franco. As is my indigestion after a trip to Taco Bell. And they have bred a huge army…as compared to the normal amount of monkeys you would expect to find in a major American city…which is none. So how do these biologically improved simians manage to beat dudes with guns? Even on our worst day, I don’t see this Monkey Army getting further than Texas. Cause they are seriously armed there (and approve of banging under age girls, apparently) and I don’t see Caesar’s advance lasting long without trees suddenly shooting up across middle America.
Top Movies: 1980
Top Grossing: The Empire Strikes Back
You know it. You love it. The Star Wars movie that even non-fans will defend as pretty damn kick ass. This movie managed to clean up a galaxy destroying 209 million dollars in 1980. That may not seem like a ton, but here’s a quick thumbnail: the second and third movies? 9 to 5, with the physically improbable Dolly Parton, and Stir Crazy, with the physically combustible Richard Pryor, only managed to earn 100 million apiece. So Empire took the box office money running away.
Oscar Winner: Ordinary People
Robert Redford scored a critical coupe with this story about the trials and tribulations of an upper class white man. Shocker. It also involves a boating tragedy, which as we all know, is a sure-fire sympathy getter. Because nothing is as tragic as a rich white dude dying on his beloved yacht. Ye Gods…
Longest Time at #1: (Not available)
Sorry folks, my mystic movie tracking friends at Box Office Mojo don’t have the break down for week to week until we hit 1982.
Our Pick: Flash Gordon
This year was HARD to pick a favorite. Just look at the competition: Super Man 2 (now with actual Super Man and Zod!), Stir Crazy with Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor, Caddyshack, The Blues Brothers, and the only excellent Star Wars in which the Empire struck back. Hell, Airplane came out this year, and Shirley you can’t discount that movie?
So who takes the gold? Flash* Gordon, that’s who.
*Ahhhh Ah…He’s the savior of the Universe!
Max Von Sydow chewed the scenery gloriously as the imperious space emperor Ming The Merciless, Timothy Dalton (best James Bond…ever!) and Brian Blessed gave able supports as warring revolutionary leaders, and Sam Jones and his glorious golden locks rode a hover chariot (slowly) into film legend, all while Queen rocked the house with falsetto praises about the walking miracle that was Flash Gordon. If you haven’t seen this film, you haven’t lived. Check it out.
Information courtesy of Box Office Mojo. Used with permission.