This Week In Box Office History
This Week in Box Office History takes a look at the last 30 years of top grossing movies. Sifting through the celluloid, we nail down audiences preferences and spot the trends in movie watching history. This movie has got me out on a high ledge questioning my faith in humanity (which to be honest, after all the shitty shark movies, was dangerously low anyway) with the absolute dreck on display. Holy crap people, what the hell happened this week? Let’s find out.
The Trends: August 23rd – 30th
There is one trend on display this week that dominates all other viewer preferences: some of the worst movies in recent memory. Remember how we were wondering last week if the eclectic mix of movies was due to a better than average sampling allowing more variety, or if the movies were uniformly awful and people were making the best of a bad situation? It was definitely the latter. This week confirms that Hollywood dropped a dookie on us this week as part of a late summer hide-the-turd trend.
“Yup. It’s definitely a doody.”
You’re on my Shit List
I was instantly impressed with how many movies this week make billing, and some TOP billing, on my worst movies of all time list, and yes, I will be sharing that list with you in the near future. Whether you look at these movies critically from a review stand point, or just viscerally from a movie lover stand point, you have to admit, this week has got some really horrible horrible stuff.
Oh, and E.T. makes it back on the list. Damn. Can’t catch a single break this week.
Carrying over from last week, we have the execrable Expendables movies, Freddy Vs. Jason, Stake out, Signs, and American Pie 2 (of which, the whole damn franchise can fuck straight off and die for all I care, the funniest moment in the series was Jason Biggs mocking the series on Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.) That’s a whole lot of Hollywood behaving badly, and easily the tipping points for most of those series/stars. Stallone threw away a perfectly good come-back for a wink and nod fest that only underlines the fact that 80’s action movies were about getting paid, the best part of Freddy Vs. Jason was fantasizing about Bruce Campbell showing up and killing both their used-up asses as Ash, and M. Night took what should have been a home run swing and bunted, proving his one-trick pony was thoroughly beat. Wow, now lets see what was “new.”
“He can save us. He can save all of us.”
Brand New Low
Some real awful stuff here people, this article alone may get me an NC-17 rating. Oh well, Bring It On. And yes, that movie took a #1 this week. Kirsten Dunst, people. Awful. Robert Englund shows up twice with Nightmare on Elm St. 4 (1988) with the beginning of the end of the series (OK OK, it takes some time for Freddy to die…) Tom Selleck quickly destroyed his Magnum PI cool with Mr. Mom (1983), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004) got a whole 11% on Rotten Tomatoes and made the audience beg for the devil to take their souls to Hell, and speaking of things that should have been buried but made a movie instead, The Island of Dr. Moreau(1996) featured the weirdest and worst performances by Val Kilmer, Marlon Brando, and Dobby. Soak that in, roll it around on the palette. Brando was so fat he was technically dead, and Val Kilmer was Val Kilmer. And they let Marlon have a pet midget. AND IT’S NOT THE WORST.
Blade (1 second after the Devil was born). Blade. This movie fills me with so much anger it literally created Vladimir Putin. Check the records, did anyone hear of Putin before Blade came out? No. He is my hatred of the Blade movies personified. And he became more powerful as the series continued, in what I think this graph shows to be a 1-to-1 correlation. Math people. Math.
The Blade series of movies is the pinnacle of lazy action movies. He fights non-entities all movie long, busting into rooms of vampires and absolutely wrecking their asses. So what? Vampires are people who got bitten by other vampires and now hate the sun. So basically, Canada. It doesn’t make them hand to hand combat veterans. If a vampire bit a roomful of toddlers on the neck, and you bust in and karate kicked them to death, it wouldn’t really make you look tough. Just a bit of a douche who hates pale people. The plot is a mess. A blood prophecy encourages Stephen Dorff (his name says it all, and no, he’s not the midget who likes golf) to kill his fellow vampires (see point above about how tough this makes you) to become a blood god who can…turn into blood. Who is killed with about a dollar fifty worth of coagulant, cause HE’S FUCKING BLOOD IN PERSON FORM, STUPID. Oh fucking hell. And Blade, who’s mother got her blood drained by a vampire while pregnant and went into labor with him, creating a vampire hybrid who is basically 11 pounds of hard-shit in a 10 pound bag, who has sworn to kill vampires, but is suddenly starting to become a full vampire, because, shit, if he was just a bad-ass we wouldn’t have a movie. So he’s boned if he doesn’t take a serum to make him just a human. Except at the end of the movie when given a chance to take the serum at the last possible minute, he says “fuck it, I have more ass to kick, we’ll come up with something in the sequel.” Very nearly literally. They throw the tension motivator out the window as soon as it’s not needed. Fucking lazy. And the acting. Wow. Is it shit. Stephen Dorff decided his vampire was all surf dude, all the time. Wesley Snipes is a block of wood at the best of times, and delivers my all time favorite stupid action line in this film: “Sometimes, motherfuckers be tryin’ to ice-skate uphill.” QED.
“Hello, Mr. Snipes…Oh, you’re obviously not him. Too life-like.”
So shines a good deed in a weary world. Compared to the above human war crimes, these three movies are Shakespeare. 1. Natural Born Killers (1994) marks a nice transition, from Oliver Stone ceasing to be relevant to Quentin Tarantino starting to be. Oh, and Woody Harrelson was in his zone at this point. 2. Darkman (1990), which has an up and coming Liam Neeson (you know, the guy who has kicked ass in every movie he’s been in?) and finally a screen moment for our poor benighted hero, Bruce Campbell. 3. Uncle Buck (1989). Oh, Uncle Buck. You were the best of the 80’s. A movie that melded the immortal John Candy at his best, with a clever and able script, with young darling Macauly Culkin, with soon to be obsolete director John Hughes, to every weary family/outcast trope of the 80’s, this movie was a decade of comedy rolled together and sealed with a kiss. Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
“No jokes. I miss this man more than many I’ve actually known.”
Information courtesy of Box Office Mojo. Used with permission.