Why I couldn’t Finish… Zoombies 2

Zoombies 2

In this review, I explain why Zoombies 2 is so bad that I couldn’t even bother to finish it. You’ve been warned.

Well, I tried. Feeling honor-bound to finish what I started, I fired up my Amazon Prime account, queued up Zoombies 2, and… just couldn’t. I tried 3 times on two separate days to get through this awful movie, and each time I managed about 5 minutes before I realized I’d literally do anything other than watch this film. I’d rather do chores and extra work at my real job rather than suffer through such a lifeless, shameless, joyless slog. Here’s why.

Zoombies 2 (2019)

Idiot poachers and idiot game wardens compete over how many animals they can zombify with a hokey green liquid that even Master Splinter would have had the good sense to stay away from. A terrible fate befalls them, and by them, I mean anyone who watches this film.

Zoombies 2
“Yousa thinkin’ weesa gonna die, Ani?”

Oh, The Horror?

The first Zoombies was just a naked cash grab, combining the schlocky aesthetic of Sharknado with the already stale in 2016 trend of putting zombies in everything. Zoombies 2 just does the same thing… again. It’s just as lifeless and dull as the awful CGI zombies they trot out.

The only wrinkle that I could charitably give it is that it feels more like a slasher film this time around. A really stale, old, slasher film. Everyone in this film is weapons grade stupid. It didn’t feel like Friday the 13th or Halloween films, where really dumb kids get picked off one by one. It felt more like the Geico commercial where they point out how stupid and not scary the “unstoppable evil versus morons” trope is. Once again, Zoombies 2 strikes while the iron is cold.

Zoombies 2
This Doctor brought to you by the Bad Idea Jeans Company.

It also doesn’t hurt that once again, all the actors (if they even deserve to be called that) play unlikeable shits. Both the bad guys and the good guys are awful, yet this film can’t even off them in ways that pays off their particular brand of unpleasant.

Cheap, Chintzy, Tacky

The first clue that I was in for an even lazier cash grab this time around was when they showed off their nature preserve… by cut and pasting in nature documentary footage! It’s obvious. The biomes are nowhere near the same from shot to shot and the film quality varies just as much. If I thought this film had a dollar to take, I’d have let Richard Attenborough know that he should make sure the retainer on his lawyer is all paid up.

Then we get to the zoombies… shudder. The first animal we run across is quite literally the fakest meerkat I’ve ever seen. It didn’t even look 3 dimensional. It was a blessing when they got it off camera and pretended it was lurking around by half-assedly shaking some bushes. Of course Zoombies 2 had to be laughably bad with it’s practical effects as well. Don’t worry, though, you won’t laugh. Just stop it with the guys in gorilla costumes. No one is buying it. Or chuckling along with you chuckle-fucks.

Zoombies 2
Yes, I’d be crapping my pants too if an animal that only exists in two dimensions ran alongside my car.

Done. Finito. Kaput.

Well, I’d bag on this movie even more, but I stopped watching it after 15 minutes. I’m sure the rest is just as awful. Even Vegas wouldn’t take a bet on “maybe they saved up their budget for one really good finale”. I saw the “lions in the dark” finale of the last one. I’m not gonna fall for that crap a second time.

My time is too valuable. Yours is too. Steer very clear of Zoombies 2.

Zoombies 2
“Fly you fools!”

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